today i was supposed to get things done. i was supposed to have gone out to the intelligent staffing place to put in my app. and cross my fingers. well i woke up later than i wanted to, so i didn't. and i woke up later than i wanted because i went to sleep later than i planned. needless to say, i got off to a late start.
here, i'm going to side-step the tedious self-hate paragraph.
and so aside from the drama that is taking place in my family, with relatives being banished from the land and other relatives feeling the impact of relived childhood trauma.. there is this spot somewhere on me, blocking my vision or stopping my ears or plugging up my thought. there is this spot that, very quickly, starts to turn into hunger. i have an appetite again is what i'm thinking. i let it pass. i hold off on rummaging for food because i decide there are more important things to attend to.
so i lose hours this way. i tell myself.. no.. i promise myself that i won't be bad to myself and i'll get out there and get into it ..uh, life, that is. and the thing is, or the thing becomes, that i don't listen to myself or i go against my own rules. so i am not credible, not even unto myself.
so then i'm talking talks with [jnn] and keeping her updated and also furiously eager to hear her speak.. oh about anything really. just mad for the tone in her voice that signals hope and change and new things. and everything is wonderful for that space of time. a door is opened, or a window, and i'm talking with someone whom i enjoy listening to and who, i know and trust, is actually listening to me. and that's such a balm to me.. such a good and solid thing. and i am fortunate and deeply flattered that she still considers and calls on me.. even after all these years.. for a talk or advice or a second opinion. so, that's that. we talk and exchange and i miss her like the dickens. (and who ever coined that phrase anyhow? and what does it mean)
i am multi-tasking. i am driving, heading south, to check on Eva and Pooh (the two most gorgeous loving, life-saving german shepherd doggies in all the known universe). and the world is in order. i feel the terrible terrors and the mean mean reds retreating. i smile at the sun and the dirt and the dogs bounding left and around. i don't leave a note, like i usually do, because i plan on the surprise letter correspondence i'm going to initiate in the coming days. i sit and read an article about the forbidden planet in FSM (film score monthly) before i dance around some more with Eva, who seems bewildered by my waving torso and my slide, tap, stops on the tile.
after fifty minutes of playing and dancing and talking with the animals i start my trip back up to the surface of the world again. if i only i didn't have to leave this behind. if only this weren't an oasis is what i'm thinking. but then again, no --again intruding on myself. it would never be the same. it would stop being all the wonderful things it is to me. so i take it back and i hug and coo my goodbyes to man's best, truest, surest friends and i lock the doors behind me.
18:12 - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
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newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
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