yesterday (saturday) and thursday i had the opportunity to visit the local freak show that is the comic convention. i went free, which is the only way to go. i would not have gone (since b and juhrr reminded me about the whole thing, first off) if it wasn't for d and rb. they had an extra pass and expressed a desire and an interest in my presence with them.
now, i had a lot of fun but the situation i described above, put me in a bit of a spot, i feel, with other friends that i came into contact with (however briefly and terribly) over the course of the two days.
rb kept commenting on the fact that i was being so strange and rude to my other friends. the first encounter with juhrr and b was a riot. after i rushed rb away from them and towards d and our visiting guests he said, "were you ashamed of me? is that why you were behaving the way you did?" (and this of course is merely a close paraphrase). and i told him, no, and that b had it right that i have an odd thing about having my different worlds collide. he, b that is, said, "she likes to keep her friends separate so that when she gets tired of a certain group she can take refuge with another group." and apart from being offended that he would bring that up and shine the garish light on me.. i thought he was quite right. he was right and i had never even ever heard him say those words aloud that way --and therefore never thought i was that obvious or never thought he'd pick up on it.
so i stood there and i was torn between wanting to deck him and/or kiss him! because he hit the nail right on its flat little head. thank you, b, for your priceless words and your gorgeous timing and your endless talk and your inability to decipher subtlety and your spastic way of being discreet. thank you.
and in my defense, i have to say, to those of you who know and to those of you who don't.. do not take for granted the differences by saying, "it's ok, because we are all the same." we are not all the same. we are different and it is often painful to come to this understanding. and its painful because that's the way anything should be if its worth it.
its true that i like to keep my circles separate and i often do not like them to touch. this is because my friends that are like my family are extensions of myself. and i am not like a newly stretched piece of freeway, endlessly going and perfectly predictable with conveniently placed exits. i am confused and wanting. i am drawn and repulsed and inappropriate and timid, dammit!
mostly though, i'm sorry. i apologize because i think i'm getting older in my habits and my choices. and by getting older i do mean slowing down.
and when i make the choice to be with one or two friends, as opposed to the dozen others who get along so well and don't mind to be mixed and mingled, i do not expect (or like) to be put on the spot and held responsible for failings and cracks in my character. of course i'll feel guilty about it later. of course i'll weigh myself down with a sensational heaviness of heart, of course. needle me as much as you like then, when its time, but don't do it when i'm not ready for it. because just like a punch in the gut that you don't expect, it could kill me dead where i stand.
16:24 - Sunday, Jul. 25, 2004
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