what makes me do this. i'm just sitting here and the phone is right there, buzzing at me. cRuel calls.
it's right there. the phone is buzzing and its right there and i know he's calling. why is he calling from his cellphone? why didn't i just pick up the phone? its nearing ten o'clock, its saturday and i feel like becoming a rumpled crumble. all i have to do is to answer the phone and deal with the voice behind it.
ego. its all pride and ego and... unhappiness and i have to do something to stop this terrifically viscious sorrow cycle.
i can't tell him a thing. i can't tell him a thing about what's really on my mind because he starts in with the whinning (sp?) and then its my fault for saying a thing.
when we're together i feel as though i must be in just the right frame of mind. all i'm there for is a good time. but what do i do, really. my family thinks i have a great guy and great relationship and.. i don't have the heart to tell them how it is when its bad. when its bad he breaks my heart and doesn't even notice me wincing.. only that i'm slowing him down, giving him more trouble. i am a bundle of problems that he doesn't even want to deal with. my self worth, when i'm with him, barely keeps my nose above dark water. i'm drowning. i'm flailing and wasting my energy. when i leave him some nights (because i'm always the one to go to him) i feel a two-ness, a split. there is this tremendous empty feeling, this lonliness mingled with a filmy layer of satisfaction. i don't know what to do because when i've tried to say anything.. he never says what he's supposed to. and i'm convinced he doesn't care all that much about me or about what i feel or think about him in particular. i feel like he wants it to be the kind of easy where i (always) come over (because really, what else can we do about this) and i help him unwind from his long arduous day. i drive, i put out, i break my back and my fingers over the nightly massage he needs to help him transition from waking into sleep. i am a sort of glorified slave whom he pays off in order that he doesn't have to walk me a few extra steps to the safety of my car when i have to leave him. and all i am, in his eyes, when i'm pleasant, is that. the woman who comes to keep him company and to do whatever he wants. when i'm unpleasant, i ask questions too difficult for him to respond to in anything more coherent than the average whine, "why...? do you do this to me?".
this is not what i want. this hurts me and kills whatever i am that really wants to live.
i'm tired of people asking me who he is and why they haven't met him. i'm tired of covering up because it shows how much i don't understand about why he can't do one thing i ask.. one thing i beg.. because it makes me happy. i do things that don't make me happy because i know it will make him happy. but so much of doing that and getting nothing in return just hurts. it puts me in an awful position. it puts me in the position of someone who has to beg for happiness.
i hate to complain about him because so many people already have the wrong idea. and really the only thing i see as a solution is to unbind the rope that keeps us attached (sp). attached and not connected. and that's probably the most hateful thing i have ever said about us. the most hateful and the most cold-hearted thing. but what can i do but cry out this way. i am pierced by this, through the heart.
no more small talk.
21:45 - Saturday, Aug. 14, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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