toni, i'm sorry i was an ass. i was moody, and that's not an excuse.. not really. i just became suddenly very needy and alone and hollow. i thought and thought about what it would be like at the dinner. i feel bad about not going because i was alone and angry and then sad and then indifferent and then guilty and then angry again.
at any rate, i'm sorry that i left you in the hands of the baby-sitter without even asking about whether or not anyone would be able to take you home. i'm sure it was bad news for your friends who no longer live down south like you and i.
its at a time like this that i think you really ought to take back all the nice things you'd said to me about me. because i don't deserve them. i'm very demanding and my behavior can be very aggravating. i know because i've been told.. and i know that the bad habits are starting to eat up all the good there ever was to begin with. so, that's that. i'm becoming intolerable.
i'm always apologizing to you. tonight i wrote a letter to [b] to apologize because i'm an asshole and it often eats away at the already frayed edges of my sanity. i'm hoping you and i can get back to that warm cuddly feeling we had after you cried because of the poltergeist (did i spell that?) in your current life.
i'm sorry we hurt each other like we're a couple whose married life is on the steep, sharp rocks and so high up. i'm sorry. that's the best i can offer. i won't interfere again ever. and so while you were all hanging out i wrote you a kind of a letter that turned into not a letter to you but a rant. a cyclical raving. its in my book in the car. remind me about it.. and about the copy of fpack that i made you.
in the meantime. i won't ever do anything right and my fear is that i'll lose people that i shouldn't. ah well.. i'm sure when it happens i will deserve it.
i'm really rather miserable and pathetic.
there i go, strolling along on the rue de la pathetique.
if i were brilliant, things like this wouldn't happen so frequently. but i'm not brilliant. i'm mud pie.
don't forgive me, forget me. we'll have a time of it. you're life will be less irritating. just take a moment, now, and imagine it if you can. you'll be rid of all the annoying and uncool neurotic behavior i lend you.
we'll be done and dust in time.
hi, this is me and this is my least favorite letter of apology. i'm sorry.
21:49 - Sunday, Aug. 29, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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