i'll tell you what the matter with helen was.. she was perfectly mad.
i made a link from the other jrnl with regard to the losangeles trip to see the movie. i made the link because i wanted to get all the retelling of it out of my system and i couldn't or didn't want to do it on lvjrnl. but the more i talk about it or introduce it or lead up to leading up to it.. the events become lost or powd'ry and i doubt my own sanity.
so the trip came to be because rb invited me many months and a few weeks in advance of the actual event (and told me that i could bring toni if i wanted**more on that later). since rb is great friends with the director of the film, it was only natural that he and d were invited guests to the birthday party after the film, that was screened at the restored Egyptian Theater in the heart of hollywood. though rb regretted that he couldn't extend the invitation to myself and to my guest (and/or any others that might be joining in on the evening--as it was still up in the air about lb's attendance.. and i kind of secretly hoped she wouldn't go) he felt it was important for me to watch this film. so i did. and i had never seen it before. well it was a great experience altogether. i can't say enough about it. but i won't blather on about not blathering on about it anymore here. (wha--?)
i DO say that it felt good to be exposed to something as striking and disturbing as this film is. and, of course, it only got better when Curtis H. (director and dear man) sat down for a brief interview afterward. there were a lot of good questions and little-known-stories shared. i felt included and couldn't stop smiling. and while in my stupor lb, rb's 23 yr old niece, informed me that rb showed her the film when she was about seven or eight. i thought that was keen and told her so. she sighed and said, yes well its pretty disturbing for someone so young, or something to that effect. but we both smiled because we share the same understanding about rb in that regard.
but now i'm all tangled up. where was i? ah yes. the trip. always go back to the beginning, i say. yes. the trip was originally going to be d and rb in one car and toni, lb and myself in my car. but that changed slightly. in my car, only lb and i traveled. she and i are not so close, but we share an understanding about our mutual people. that understanding has many other little branches of understanding. otherwise i don't know if we would come to be friends naturally.. or of our own choosing. but before i get tangled up all over again i have to mention that she does in fact have a "thing" for d. d is, of course, a red-blooded grown up boy and is attracted to lb physically and whatnot. but they have never been together or explored anything that could be an actual "thing" of substance. they can't. it is not that they are unable or that they have never had opportunities to.. they just can't. there are rules. and that's as far as i'll go with that. mostly because i'm all tangled up again and can't think evenly. maybe i'll have a sip of water.
*exuent*
actually exuent is only used for more than one person exiting the stage, right? oh well that's that anyhow. where was i? oh yes. the great sweaty excursion north. well to be honest i'm growing tired and bored with writing about the small details. mainly because it is no longer fresh in my mind, therefore the day is dead to me. anyone reading this far has got some stamina for boring material that isn't even the least bit punchy or edgy or snappy. look at it. there's just no color to be had here. none. no personality. just bleached. like me from the sun today and everafter.
ok. the trip. we were running late because i was told to be at the house at eleven:thirty in the am, we would work out checking into the hotel room that lb and her ma and sister would be staying in because in order for her to have been able to make the trip in the first place she had to spend the night en este lado, this side (of the border). so, alright, sacrifices are made for those we love, right? yes, yes.. but oof. qu'elle trouble, no? oui!
but where was i? oh yes, running late. we were supposed to have met rb and d's losangeles friends before the seven o'clock screening.
but you guessed it. no such luck.
we arrived at the hotel which rb n' d were staying (sidenote: rb could never make the trip alone. he's practically blind in one eye, you see.) at about six. we all take our turns freshening up. a good young friend (in the biz) meets us and we are now five. his name is brndn or thereabouts and we head off into the world of starry streets. the boulevard. we met up with bebe (the other half of the team that composed musical score for movies like forbidden planet) and she was/is a tremendous woman. so small and still with a fight in her. she's gorgeous because she looks at you and you know that you'd better be worth something or else forget it. i'm not close to her because i can't be close with any of rb's friends. not really. they are, well most of them are, like him. too much for me. blinding and too tremendous for me to turn away on a cop out. so even if i am unworthy.. i am still there, battered and inadequate but still afloat and leaning into the whipping wind in its gust.
the rest of the evening, after the movie and the abrupt breaking off of groups, was ridiculous and uncomfortable for me. several times i wanted to cry or cry out. i wanted d to come save me. i wanted.. i desperately wanted not to be where i was. i was bored and terrified and exhausted-wrecked. i was scraping messages of panic on the walls of my insides. i want to block it out because i really can't even bear the memory of the rest of that night. i was completely out of my element and pretending i could manage it without everything familiar and dear to me. i walked the streets to busy myself. i briskly lost myself in the mall as it closed, then found myself weaving in and out of groups of badly dressed young people.. drunken, loud, selfish, uncaring, touching themselves, mannerless, self-indulgent.. i envied them and was repelled by them. and they had the luxury of safety and calm and standing still while i had to run for my life. run around in silly circles until the time it was safe for me to go back to my own car.
honestly, i don't know what i was thinking letting them take over. but i was outnumbered.
but i am always outnumbered.
my body was running on three hours of sleep, a waldorf chicken salad, and fear. i'd like to say that it was good for me in the end because i'm such a proponent for learning things even in the most uncomfortable situations.. but this was madness. and.... perhaps too it was one of those "just desserts" that gets served to those people who think they have a corner on control. and i accuse myself of pettiness and an unreasonable vanity that extends and affects beyond the boundaries of--? and i deserved every painful, awful, embarrassing, awkward, lonesome, terrible thought and feeling that went through me like electrocution that night.
it isn't light'ning. it never was. i don't know what to do about anything. i want to change things, though. i want to be more honest with people so as to keep them. so as to keep them in a curio. i've begun with probing letters to certain people. those whom i don't write are those with whom i feel i can talk and will find the time to and will make a point to be with. for now.. i will meditate on heat exhaustion, enchanting melodies, swatting at flies, and discord as an unweildy weapon.
21:54 - Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
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