the above taken from a song i'm listening to at the moment.. elliot smith. i think its called something like blue eyes crying in the rain.
here it is...
that's my mood.
i'm having difficulty, at the moment, having any type of vision of the future.
i'm sulking.
i was going to journal about the coming decisions i must make.. not for him or me or we.. but for me, in my own mind and spirit.
i'm slowly coming to the realization that maybe i'm not cut out to be in a relationship because i want too much to come from it.
i want both love and being in-love in varying degrees. i want to immerse myself and to be immersed. i want everyday to be magic or to be nervous flutters. i want-- and thats the problem i think. i just.. i want very badly for my story to be the story. the one that i've always been shown in the movies i grew myself up on. i want the madness and the connections and i want it at my leisure.
i certainly don't want it taken from me.
hes going away and this may be the end of it entirely. if not this week or this time.. then in october.
and i hate, more than anyone who is already very irritated with reading this... i hate having turned into this emotionally hysterical creature.
and i don't want to talk about it either.
i don't want to talk about it but i want to go on thinking it into oblivion.
or i haven't found the right person to talk with about it.
there IS no one.
what am i doing..?!
what am i thinking..?
i'm losing my hand-hold on the matter-of-fact things and situations.
i'm floundering and i'm a wreck.
also, i was more coherent about forty minutes ago when i was blogging on myspace.
i don't want what sense people may have to offer.. i don't want it offered and i don't want to have to reject it.
i have never been the sort of person, girl, woman who needed a relationship. but don't get me wrong i'm not as independent or proud or feminist as that sounds. i just.. i worked very hard and was very stern with myself in order that i would not topple myself into one mistake after another. i thought, i may be terrible at everything i attempt but this.. this will be the one true thing for me. i will have restraint.. and i will conquer my secret (or not-so secret after this) simpering heart.
i managed it well enough for seven odd years, i think.
i am better alone.
who did i think i was fooling or trying to fool or trying to be, in the first place..?
my heart is better wrapped in ice.
who am i kidding, it was never wrapped in ice.
i just want, at this point, to stop crying. but i don't want to stop being alone or being with a small group of people who know and who let me get away with pouting just a little bit longer.
i'm falling apart.
i have until the end of this week.
i have until october..
and then what? and then a decision must be made.
his next ship will be integrated.. that means female enlisted opportunities. that means i will be replaced with a newer, younger, better face.. body.. love.
my next step is not to wait to be (once again) passed up.
my next step is to "cut my (own) losses" in october.
my next step is to cut myself.
my next step is.. my next step is
sleep.
goodnight.
[i've come all this way and i STILL haven't learned my lesson about it.. when will my ego let it rest and be done? i know whats coming.. i've always known. i've prepared myself for it and yet i find that it hurts even worse than before...?
because i'm older
and still, through it all, there is no one.]
and now to bed
to bury my head in the sopping awful shame for loving excessively, single-minded and for pinning imaginary hopes too high to reach--
00:15 - Tuesday, Jul. 12, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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