in a note that i left for a friend i said, "its strange to be back in the world of the living."
i suppose that i just meant that i feel that i've been away. distant. when i get that way, whatever its called, i tend to be selfish and rude. cold. abrupt. impatient. curt. silent.
i can't explain it, i never can. i don't understand it, the blues.. the blue-black kind of blue.. the heavy blue, and what it must be like to drown. sensations of dying and panic met with sensations of weightlessness and freedom. how confusing, to drown in the water that way--suffocation by an element and a quality so close to the basics and the structure of our own betraying bodies. we are mostly watery. but it doesn't entirely explain why i'm always so overcome when i am there, watching from the shore.. watching for--?
in other news:
here's what i've decided. partly inspired by something i've been reading (love letters written by mark twain).
i'm going to title it, an estimated one hundred eighty days apart: being a collection of love letters, love letter attempts, and ideas of love with you (r) in mind.
i am so pathetic.
i've small attempts to be "in it" again. exposed to unpredictable movements, glancing, conversations.. re-connections?
and i feel like i've been here before. i feel like i could very well just go back.. lock myself in, close the windows.. develop more worlds within worlds.. hide.. listen, painfully and excrutiatingly, to whirling world just on the other side of that door and those locks. i can feel myself slipping and it IS frightening. more frightening now than in the past. having been shown what there is among those dear hearts and gentle people.
what's wrong with me?! i sleep and i sit quite a bit more than i like. this is not good. i really need a job now. i cannot relax like this. i have nothing and i can give nothing and i'm afraid all the time.
really. i'll be ok. i will refocus, that's all. just start over again.
23:32 - Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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