the usual reasons for head, heart and joint ache:
mom n' pop.
they loved and brought me here. they were and are and always will be my first darlings, stage props, playmates, authorities, protectors, co-conspirators, my bittersweet growing old ballad. i love them.
rue.
he is the current, the distraction, the demanding boy, the asshole, the sparring partner, the hero, the little something extra that cares romantically for me. a private person who is two people, really. bad days are terrible and good days are hardly to be believed. he is selectively ocd and..well..just selective in general. he is not light'ning, that thing i've searched and longed for. he is also not quite the safe harbor i would like to believe. he cares, i know, but he is inexperienced with my particular brand of muddled and needy. my thoughts about him are up in the air. but it seems not really to matter. by the tenth of this month january, we will have had a year as romance has permitted. we are so very different, he and i, but still somehow keep turning and returning into each others arms. and i fear we two have settled into our ways. we have settled.
t.
a dear one. one in whom i confide and trust and find equally playful and bright. a friend who is as a sister who is as a second self who is as a golden girl who is as an alternating lucy to my ethel or ethel to my lucy. i have been lucky to know and to fight with and to snarl at and converse with this girl who has such loves--who is so loved and is so torn, sensitive, generous, ambitious, competitive, giggly, easily hurt, easily won, easy to love. like rue, she is one in my life who is so strange at times, so selective; so oddly made or ill suited for hurt--but lovable and completely unleavable. our friendship almost ended over a boy but she thought so much of me that she sacrificed herself to him.
jnn.
a twin soul, i feel. we share the same day of birth though only separated a year. i have been quite envious of her, even while i half-idolized her for being the 'cool i wanted and could only dream of becoming.' we used to joke about our Biff and Willy Loman sort of friendship--with me to talk her up and with her to wonder why i keep on with it all. we've done some sort of growing up together since our first meeting within the four blackened walls of that underground theater. and i sometimes feel that though we truly did walk, once, on parallel avenues she has since exceeded and surpassed me quite gorgeously.
To Be Continued
d.
rb.
jan-u-ron.
the un-usuals, the intermittent wonderfuls:
zr.
jhn.
ben.
osci.
lb.
shrn.
fun and brief descriptions of all players still to come. for now, there is a cold front moving steadily over the water and onto the coast. also, i have the taste of peanuts upon my tongue and i cannot be persuaded. tah.
17:14 - Saturday, Jan. 01, 2005
Recent entries:
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anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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