i am feeling ill
or on the way to being ill. i'm trying to hold off until after tomorrow and perhaps maybe even until after friday. i don't like feeling ill because everything seems impossible--as if it weren't already that way to begin with.
i just realized, in looking over some of my writings/entries, i have trouble with--among other things--completing (sp?!) a serious follow up story of the events that i brought up. i used to do that. i used to write the way i thought, now its the other way 'round. i'm so distracted. i'm more distracted than i've ever been. one thought interrupts another, one memory interrupts the present. i feel wrecked but cannot figure how or why. i have more notebooks and secret writings than i can keep track of.
*sigh* maybe i'm coming down with influenza.
today trying to spend the day with them.. trying to.. because they'll be off tomorrow. that's one thing on the plate. of course, though, that leads into what i'm worth and whether or not i will be able to get along without them. that's one thing.
another thing is that i haven't read or written at all in the break that i've been given. and the disembodied voice continues saying, "you know you're not a writer unless you're writing"... aww cram it. i'm also not a killer unless i'm killing.
i have not called t. i have not had a chance to be still. my mind is a constant blizzard and i fight battles with my age and my weight every minute of every hour of every day. i am idle like a junk car can be idle.. but it does not change that what it is, junk. i have not called or spoken with j. she leaves on a plane tomorrow as well. i am coughing dry coughs into the crook of my arm and it bothers me. i am bothered though not nearly bewildered enough.
i have over-due library materials that i couldn't bring myself to return today. i don't know why. it isn't as if i have the money to pay for the exorbitant late fees which i have tended to acrue. and the debtors are after me. well alright i exaggerate. i have the one debt, to the discover people. they will collect.. no, no.. i mean they will syphon some amount of money directly from my bank account by the 22nd of this coming month. where am i going to get that money? i've been suspended from working the first two weeks because of excessive lates from last quarter. i'm a failure, left and right. still and all... it seems not to matter so much in the face of what it could be. i, for instance, am not half-way across the world and searching for loved ones who've gone missing under the weight and force of toppling buildings and water.
happy new year?
...a new start, again, anyway.
16:34 - Wednesday, Dec. 29, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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