was a full day, i feel. even without having ended up where originally planned.
but its late and i want to rest from the troubles and the turmoil which continue to brew and hover.
my mind goes whirling again. raising up questions that should remain in that eternal slumber. but why is it so difficult to really love someone? to really feel free to love, to be affectionate, to extend compassion, truth... to one? or, perhaps, to more than one? why is the world so precariously hinged on that beautiful, that impossible idea..?
tonight i spoke and heard myself speaking it, thinking it, embody and embue it: people will turn, they always do. and love and hate, locked and entwined. --why
i am sorry that i am scattered. i'm trying to pick myself up or gather myself together. shall i blame it on the hour? the unphased and heartless hour that moves decidedly onward?
how is it that i can love and multiply that love? its madness, i know, but i am compelled to travel alongside the shifting, trembling thought of it: love, so inescapable and impossible.
how is it that i want more? how is it that i expect more and why do i crumble at gestures that are, perhaps, only motions without meaning behind--? behind what? the facade?
it is so difficult to have to lose something. difficult to lose. to have to face the end of something that you thought would go on forever. it is so difficult to make myself say goodbye..to face reality.
i love him so. he is precious and i am as i will always be, devastated or crashing or defeated--exhausted by the attempt to understand or accept or--? set free? no. certainly and resoundingly, no. i have no claims, after all, no stakes, no sacrosanct intimate knowledge--possession. none of that. and i have never wanted that. i've only wanted to understand, grow, crumble, reach, fall.... same as all the rest. i've wanted only to say goodbye, perhaps. because goodbye is whole, complete, divine, perfect, pain that i can hold onto as an anchor or as pebbles so small and speckled in my hands.
i cannot go backward and it is done. i accept fate gladly, warmly, completely, faithfully.
the solitude and darkness are not jostled or disturbed, and the silence is forever
i've been misunderstood because i could not find the words. and it is inevitable that you kill the thing you love. it is inevitable that goodbye is permanent. it is an inescapable truth that there is a relief for a loved one who recedes into the background..letting go because its safe now and everyone is taken care of. i'm only upset, i know it. and i have no reasons, no rational thoughts. just madness laughing wildly into the lost midnight moon
and at night there are lights.
01:34 - Monday, Mar. 28, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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