there is something to be said for grief, for awkward feelings and positions. just as there is something to be said for moments of trouble or doubt, moments of dizzying complexity. i believe now, as i think i've always known and hope to always hold to it, that there is a kind of nourishment to be had from every changing scene... from the song, beginning and end.but thats niether here nor there, now is it?it is my own (personal and stormy) belief that i must find meaning in everything. it is my own personal torment which lacerates the skin. it is a bother to hear something described as 'no big deal'. i've run into some difficulty with this and with why it must be said. and it must be said. loud and often, as drums thumping an irregular heartbeat--for an irregular feeling, thought, memory, connection, attachment.
everything is tumbling and i no longer want to go on with the same thought(s), as snowballs of ice, ice, ice.
today, this afternoon, another shift after another class. it will be better today. i will be driving up and down the steep and narrow of the real. scrips institute of oceanography. a yoyo, really, between structures and man-made trouble and the beautiful stretching horizon. the water curling and pealing, touching and retreating. i should take a lesson from the water and be less and less afraid to be myself. i should be there already. water has its nature, no thoughts, just water. just movement. so i smile now because of the music in my ears. coconut woman. i smile now because its what i feel is coming naturally to me now. i am letting go. watching the credits roll and the recognitions fly. i am letting go now because it is now a time for moving. its time to hear the music and let go, let go and smile and call back the music and the popping rythms. the strumming, burning, beating, beginning-middle-end. and hang being clear and understood!
i am not him. i am me. my own. with my own terrors. i am not quick and larger than one love. i am not looking and i am. i am not talking. i am tired and old and blind, moving still--writhing still. i am only a woman, alone in the world and struggling to reach the ultimate end. but why the struggle? why the intrusion of this thought again. i am done. i am through. i am copping out. what does that mean.water has its nature, no thoughts, just water. just movement. so i smile now because of the music in my ears. coconut woman. i smile now because its what i feel is coming naturally to me now. i am letting go. watching the credits roll and the recognitions fly. i am letting go now because it is now a time for moving. its time to hear the music and let go, let go and smile and call back the music and the popping rythms. the strumming, burning, beating, beginning-middle-end. and hang being clear and understood!
if you could listen to it. you should listen to it. and its really getting so that i can't hear the rumble of trouble anymore anymore anymore.
its really gone and gone and--
09:50 - Wednesday, Apr. 06, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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