what is on my mind at this hour is what i'm going to say to roo tomorrow. i know it must have hurt him that i had to cut off our conversation while he was on his way 'home'.
and its a shame really because i want to write about how i had a really good day, reconnecting with my dad.. talking about the evils that human-kind is really capable of.
i want to write about watching the classic mummy marathon movies on the big screen at robs house. about crocheting (pronounced: crow-shea-ing) with donnie.
but i can't really write about all that or think about all that.. because when i try, the only thing that comes back to me is him saying that i didn't care whether he lived or died.
and i'm always so worried.
how do i... how can i make you understand?
dom once mentioned something about having unsuccessful phone conversations with people (or actually a person) who enjoy staying on the line even when all there is is dead air.
its difficult for me to be close to him on the phone. its... frustrating because i feel like i have to fight him to get through to him. him, buried underneath all the worry over futures, concerns of the day, of the moment..
and i really miss him....
and i really miss laboring under the impression that someone somewhere might actually be inlove with me.
god how i want to be the object of someones love, affection.. i want someone to be inlove with me. even though i know it couldn't be possible. what is it like? i wonder.. what does it feel like to really know that the someone you're thinking of is madly and inescapably and irrationally inlove with you? what is that like?
why can't i get my mind around it?
why won't he bend down..
so i can get over him..?
(why)
why can't i just be content with things as they are? why isn't right now good enough? why do i feel like we're just helping each other kill the time..?
tomorrow.. i swear.
tomorrow i'll write about, or try to write (more) about, the important bits of my conversation with rob about those movies and what they meant and why it hurts that some kids today laugh and scoff and call it campy.
because really, the only way you'd really be allowed to laugh and "not take it all so seriously" is if you've suffered to know what those symbols up there mean. to know who the real monsters are and what the real dangers and heartaches are.. and that it is serious stuff up there.
up there is really only one story.. one hero story told and retold, made and remade, born and reborn. you can either take it seriously or you can piss it all away.. but then what does that say about you?
but thats only what i'd like to write about.. maybe tomorrow will be better.
i'm scared
i'm scared every time i have to go in and make amends, start over.. because theres always that terrifying free-falling moment.. that chance that it might not go right or well and then--?
and then i'm back to me starting over again and winning and hurting and--?
01:59 - Sunday, Jun. 12, 2005
Recent entries:
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anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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