the earth has been quaking and the tides moving, still.
the following was written an hour ago in the flurry of business and customers coming to the coffeecart. i sat, cards in front of me but with no longer a pull to play.
15 june 2005this time next month there'll be tears but that goes further than i want to travel at the moment. this time today i'm thinking about what to say, if in fact there is anything to be said-- to a friend who is out there or who may be out there wondering, from time to time, wabout what has become of our daily talks.. our once so easy interactions. and this time, years ago (too long, it seems), there were confidences and shared stories or late nights or safety and outpouring truths or hurts or fiction or--? i don't know what to call them, they're so far away.
what i miss most about her is the maturity and the quiet and the trust and that i thought more about our inter-connecting moods.. or concerns that seemed to cross-over-- excluding others, even, in its wake.
i imagine, here, clasped hands in the soft dark--warmed from the effort of working through too much patience on my part or too much love on either.
i imagine(d) a lady who taught me about what it meant to be involved in the world. who made me envy her passion, her unyielding nature. strong, in the way that some ancient buildings are strong. wise with the history of disturbance, disaster, change, brutality, carelessness. she was... we were such marvelous friends. we treated each other poorly at times, though, yes. we raised voices and lashed out like demons overpowered by greed or lust, lacking or longing.
i imagine, here, the individuality, onliness and beauty of one vased tulip or one young lily--still meant for something better than as an ornament to the dying. there, on the sill, it isn't confused for the others in a bouquet.
distinct there, the grace of ages radiating from it.i have such odd ideas about people, women, friends, closeness, family, love, balance, tenderness, sincerity, excess. of what i think friends or family or lovers or kindred spirits ought to be and maybe even of what i expect to see in them.
or rather what i expect to see them becoming.
and i wonder.. will the edges of a forty foot wave really come to touch the western clay of this world.
and if not now, then soon perhaps?
--and the air goes on churning.
11:56 - Wednesday, Jun. 15, 2005
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