though the night is not yet over i feel compelled to update.
current location? paradise hills/national city. home of four adults, one child, and three cats--currently speaking.
specifically i'm visiting, i'm sitting in the teevee room. charles is on the phone. jwar is not using this laptop. theron is doing homework?
theres just been a mild kerfuffle in the other room. to my understanding it was caused by one of the millions of intricately woven and sensitive nerve-endings of the couple nation.
i feel such a growing tension now that i didn't feel earlier in this evening.. even just moments before the actual drama exchange took place. and while things on the surface have recovered, there is a cold and a cunning in the air.
theron, why were you so affectionate this evening? and why did you have to turn angry and on the defense? and i why do i have to be intimidated by you anyway? because i'm a fool. why did your mood and, in turn, the moods of us all here have to change? i am presuming too much. it is over and i am a louse.
these are the things i am wondering.
how can i recover from this? god that's selfish. what i meant to say (or maybe what i should have said were i better person) was, how can we all recover the rest of this flat, cold sunday evening?
we cant. thats all and thats final.
moving on?
have to remember to call toni again. tried her phone and her house once each today. left a message on one and caught a brief conversation with her mom on the other. shes called me back since but i've been in between zones (and of course this puts me in mind of what it must be like to go skipping treacherously upon those behemoth floating glaciers, that move and glide quite out of the actual jumper's control), and one cannot go about having conversations that amount to anything if one finds oneself suspended mid-stride.
there is no safety anywhere.
there IS a great tension, and not just in my toes or throbbing slowly at my lower back.
the tension is ego-riddled. and i can feel myself transforming into monstrosity again.
i am easily injured. i am still wreckless but i am so very easily injured.
the truth, if you want to know it, is that there are certain people in the world who eventually become friends. and sometimes the price of having these certain friends is feeling out of control, unsafe, unprotected and in need of protection.
i am easily injured and over-sensitive, mildly paranoid and able to create whole lives, conversations and even invent whole thought processes. once created and elaborately fleshed and sketched out i force myself to live out these internal conflicts and situations.
i am easily injured, over-sensitive, mildly paranoid, and imaginative. i don't like feeling that i have to be on guard with people whom i think of as friends. but the truth is that i have a very small friendship turning radius. wait. that doesn't make sense. i suppose i mean that i only feel truly able to let down my guard around a small handful of three or four people at a time.
i have trust issues and i am easily injured. maybe this is why i have caused so much injury and continue to breed so much small scale deceit in the world: do unto others what you think they might be capable of doing unto you before they get a chance to undo you.
i am tangled in a bramble, caught on sharpened points that scratch and stab. i am easily injured and am inlove with pain. maybe i think that if my body suffers my spirit will flower. flourish. maybe i thrive in situations that cause me great difficulty, loss of sensations, loss of compassion, loss of--?
i am now, officially, in a mood.
i can't stand this feeling of being wildly enraged. i sustain it. i alone sustain it and force myself into this sick fucking routine of betraying and bruising, taking invisible razors to myself. reliving past hurt and disappointment and unable to rejoice in the little happy comforts.
i guess i was wrong about the passing storm.
i fucking hate being angry in the middle of the night when theres nothing i can do about this but sleep.
all i want to do is scream
and i don't ever want to leave my house again. once i'm home again and among my own things reminding me of myself.. i will be myself and i will never leave home again.
00:25 - Monday, May. 02, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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