i had a strange dream. and really perhaps the only thing it proves is that i'm deeply competitive--even in my emotions and attachments, memories and my friends..?
i use the word compeitive here because of the happenings and gathering(s) that occurred between all of us last night.
there we were, a somewhat unlikely group.. although not too terribly unlikely really. i mean, we ARE all friends.
well alright this is how the evening went.
yesterday was eileen's birthday! so we all got together for some evening thai time vittles and a birthday cake. by we i mean: bictor, ben, charles, ana, myself, eileen and isabella (and later toni and briefly--like trilling light show in the air--juhr). adults and childrens eating and talking and rearranging of seats, more eating and calling and watching the door and arrivals and singing of birthday songs. it was a good time. we smiled and embraced and because we had to have one last hang out before bictor went back up to those santa barbarians we, the remaining ones of us, decided to continue the evening somewhere out in the world.
ben, toni, charles, ana and i made a quick break for the haus to regroup and turn over in our hands the options and paths we might take for the rest of the evening.
before i knew what was happening i was in a bad mood. toni and ben were wrestling in the living room and i was upset over their loudness. i couldn't see it, initially, for what it really was. a sort of saying hello and 'hi, happy to see you again' only in the rought and tumble of physical teasing and grab-assery.
so my bad mood start going. we stopped briefly at seven eleven where i accidentally and shame-facedly broke two glass bottles of coke. i was a growling internal misery. toni was no help, and no sympathy. i had feelings that it was going to be a bad night. things were going to go down hill... even though i did like the sound of the breaking glass.
we come back in the car and i'm feeling shaken because i broke it.. i should've bought it. and i honestly would have offered if i wasn't so broken in the fundamental funding department. but i am. we slid back into the car and i said that i could probably never return to that seven eleven again. toni said something funny that caught me off guard. i laughed explosively and quite unexpectedly. but it felt good to laugh. it felt good to be so violently happy. even if with such force behind it.
from there i apologized for my mood and the evening galloped onward.
there we were, the living room (again, according to toni). we had gathered: bictor, malory, charles, ben, danny, lou, toni and myself. we drank, we talked, we laughed. toni made her moves on danny, first by spilling a cup of periere (sp?) on his pants. more laughter and more hilarity.
lou was gracious and generous enough to contribute to most of the evenings hilarity by retelling most of those humiliating and ridiculous moments shared by both him, danny and ben growing up. i swear, it felt like such a reunion. louie and charles have quite the knack for story-telling. i loved listening to the histories. i felt immersed in time travel and good rollicking fun.
i don't have a lot of time now and so i should get to describing a bit about the dream i started out talking/hinting about in this entry.
it wasn't much really.. but maybe my subconscious or unconscious is more competitive than i give it or myself credit. the images that my mind closes in on is this one: jenn, me, dom, andy gathered on a sofa happily telling and talking and joking. as if nothing stormy could have ever clouded our lives, actions or feelings toward one another. we looked young and happy together. comfortable. and i find that odd.
but what does it mean? and what does it, ultimately, say about me and what i want, don't want, think about..?
then again maybe i'm just feeling the weird rippling movement of being included and excluded simultaneously--being in the loop and able to step out of it just as abruptly.
13:01 - Wednesday, May. 04, 2005
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