i wrote a very long and angry entry just now but i can't put it up. i can't do it. that would be a) passive-aggressive and b) potentially dangerous.
so instead i'm going to say this:
today was a good day. it was warm and wonderful and i was surrounded by people that put me in a good mood. eddie is back in town. dom's wearing green. little beba and her eddie is on a diet. donnie is still injured. rob and i danced like maniacs when we got to the house. we danced to the blood in our cheeks rose to our eyes. it was right good fun.
the very long and acerbic venting thing that i wrote had to do with the andy re-emurgence (sp?). i was a damn fool for breaking the silence, that's all i know. if i was not sure of it then.. i'm sure of it now. i played right into his game. so that was my miserable mistake. and my mood and my mind suffers because of it. but when i finish this entry i will be done with it. with the thought of it. with looking for trouble. all of it.
something sticks in my side a little but it needs to be said, by me, and known by others. regarding the andy situation.. corresponding and all that? done. utterly finished.but thats all at an end now.i know i was a little slow on the uptake but once i realized i was removed.. and very specific actions went into effect, i also did some removing (and blocking) of my own. but i suppose i've also been a little dumb.. a little morbid.. a little ridiculous and a little obsessive.
i want to quote lines. because i've discovered something in all this. i am more direct and coherent when i am responding rather strongly to something or someone else. but i still want to quote what lines stuck out on that page. the lines i could see. i want to but i won't.
perhaps its both understandable and exactly what should have happened anyway. still i feel like such an ass to not realize that the suicide attempts were ploys. the truth is that he has no cause to get in touch with me unless its to get to jenn. i knew that from the very beginning. and thats the irony. he hates me and curses all memory of me and yet, if he has had any designs, plans, schemes, attempts at jenn he needed me (or so he thought, right). all that talk.. hah! it was all talk ..from the first word! what a great liar he was and still is. magnificent really. i was actually to a point where i was thinking, you know this was the right thing to do. to heal. hah! what a load of shit, right.
well he doesn't want to heal, and perhaps (for the sake of his art) he doesn't need to.
and so now i know i am finally and perfectly done with that murdurous early college bullshit. and i hope he does keep trying to get a hold of jenn. i hope he does it all and never lets go. but i do wish this for him, that he is finally graced with the ability to see (and never look away from) what is real in it. what is really real in the situation. i hope that he goes on, obsessed as he is, but able to see. because in this way he is not only compelled to live or create for her, this lost love that lives on without him.. he is not only compelled but he is able to see how much she and john have together. how much of a life they've built and how much has grown up around them. i mean the two of them are like ana's second parents (where thanuary are as her third set of parents).
and y'know.. what IF i'm wrong? what if andy and jenn do end up together (i'm biting my lip now to keep from busting up maniacally)? well then it won't have been the first time i was proven wrong. and furthermore i'm not afraid to be proven wrong. so prove me wrong then! if you can. and if you can do it with harming or forcing anyone.
for if you do harm anyone. even a hair on jenn's head or anyone close to her (even if it was an accident) you'd better hope to high hell that i don't hear of it and that i'm not alive to unleash upon you more terror and anguish than you've even dared imagine.
an update because theres something wrong and im not allowed a new entry box today but i have a lot on my mind. money problems. family. illness. drugs.
I sometimes wonder about timing. i sometimes wonder about downshifting and about moods; about apologies; about regret.
i don't know. i want to apologize but i don't want to take anything back. i know that doesn't really make sense.. not to anyone.. that i can be sorry and still not retract any thought or expression. or perhaps thats just a pathetic way of not conceding to defeat.
because its one thing to be sad, morbid, morose, miserable, insane, lost. its another thing entirely to be defeated and beaten. i suppose i just don't want to be beaten.. refusing the finality of--? judgment? solitude? death? ending relationships? cutting off and out, the self.
in all fairness i write--especially here--as a means to expel, vent, release myself from myself.. from demons that believe-it-or-not i do have.
look, andy, i'm writing here because i don't want to send a reply. because i'm still feeling queasy.. rather unstable.. don't want to rupture anything anymore. i'm tired. exhausted. struck down by daytime heat, a backbreaking day, feeling guilt, feeling gross. i'd like to be able to stop saying sorry now too.
i'm just so tired. and i want to disappear from everyone. yes. i'm fucked up. ...but i'm more done and through and hollow and not of much use to anyone.. not even my closest and nearest.
you're not the only one that's thought those thoughts and done those things. i'm just better at hiding in the middle of the room and throngs of people, people, heartbreak, friends, murder, family, heartbreak heartbreak heartbreak.
nothing left now. nothing left ever.
22:21 - Thursday, Mar. 31, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
lv2write00
squirrelx
cdghost
smoog
muppetathena
crystal42
thatdame
iwillsurvive
monstre
ouvrelesyeux
poolagirl
lintpickle
i-am-jack
anniewaits18
alicewonders
sunnflower
crateobscure