i am beset with a nervous, sinking, pitiful, nauseas feeling. on the television, keeping me company is/was the movie arabesque.
my toes are cold and my body is confused. its nearing seven pm and i am here on my own and with knocks at the door which do not make me brave. the lights are on and television blaring, both cars in the drive and the neighbors in their places. i do not make myself available to people for this very reason. call me, please, if you know me and where i live. call me, don't just show up. i may be indecent or suffering or invisible or unable. its at this time now that i wish i had with me another heartbeat, a protector, a german shepherd, a friend to settle and calm my nerves which are frayed (though it may not look it). and if you are one of my neighbors, i'm sorry, but come again to the door when there is some light in the sky. knocking in the night makes me cold and full of harm.
it is a cold and terrible world, with only small places for shelter and life.
18:41 - Friday, Jan. 07, 2005
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