tomorrow is the actual day but we're supposed to be observing it today, the ninth, sunday. and already we've started (once again, to commemorate last year's beginning) on the wrong foot. and i'm upset.
i don't feel the way i should i feel. i should be happy or something and all i can think to myself is, "this is it?"
i can feel myself getting angry and getting hurt and i don't know, now, how to behave--how i should go about this.
if rob could hear me sobbing intermittently he would probably tell me that its not real. all the mental and/or emotional anguish or trouble or stillness is not real. its just not real, it isn't. i know that. i am as much to blame for my unhappiness and hurt feelings because i AM so introverted, i DO turn myself inward, force myself to conjure up scenarios and impossibilities.... everything must mean something, it must. and i don't know how long i can hold on to this relationship that is supposed to be effortless, so easy and so smooth. we are so different. we are different in what we are and what we want and how we see the world, people, life, love.
but it isn't real and it isn't light'ning. we are not plagued, we are comfortable and resting lazily. i can feel myself and i am as muscles that have fallen out of use, atrophied and pathetic.
why am i so weak that i can't make the leap? that i can't just resign myself to finality and break from him? he and i both know, because we've discussed it, that once we did break it would be for good. there would be no such thing as going back on it. so, finality. why don't i just quit him or us, finally. why? why does my will, in which i place so much importance, fail me? what am i seeing through here that fastens me to him so? i feel so undignified and failing. and really the only way to regain my own sense of myself, my own dignity and will and all of that is to be final and to make a break.
and its up to me, its all up to me, dammit. how could i have let myself get this far from myself and what i wanted..what i still want. fear has taken this year over and wrangled anything good about it to the ground, deep into the ground.
13:17 - Sunday, Jan. 09, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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