[original entry title: BACK AGAIN TO THE RINGING LAUGHTER OF GIRLHOOD, ALIVE INTO THE DARK]
I am back. I have been out. it is nearly morning again.. it is three am. I�m stuck. I�m very very stuck.. in class, in what to do, in what to write. I make time only to break time. I can�t really think things through. earlier there was something on my mind about links. I�ve been reading andy�s blog. i've been into the woods and tramping about into the things that terrify. i've been tearing my skin or the hem line of my dress on the snarling in the woods. darkness looks in----I think I�ve made a mistake. his every relationship with a girl does not have to be this search for something more. something further, deeper.. etcetera etcetera. history. I�mthinking now about history. the internet ismomentarily inaccessible to me. I�m stuck. why am I stuck.
tonight I went out with toni. we had coffee at ye olde coffeeshop. we talked about her.. about tattoos and about hurt. I feel like a therapist. I sometimes do not feel as though people believe when I am being honest and speaking in earnest. how am I going to finish this latest piece for the novella class if I know nothing about necrophilia and/or homosexuality? how am I going to write about Nia? I suppose I have to start over again.. its been more than three days now. I�m out of it. I�m out of the headspace of it. I have to write it, I have to deliver. tomorrow I�m expected to laugh and drive. though not at the same time. this is the only quiet time. the only time that I can compose. the only time that I can hear the tower fan, inside the computer tower, whirring.
this is the oiling process. about twenty odd minutes have passed. the internet is once again on the blink. shall I continue on to talk about this evening. hung out with toni, reconnected. it sounds kind of piteous to say �reconnected� because it starts to lose its meaning when I wave about like some silly underpaid flag bearer. what we did was that we met up (I picked her up, that is to say) and I drove us to the living room. there we were drinking and talking and freezing and smoking. well.. alternately. that is to say, she was smoking and I was freezing. we were both talking, though not at the same time. at the moment I feel nauseas. we stayed for a couple of hours or maybe just a meager hour and a half.. then I wanted a change of location. that tends to happen when I am out in the dangerous awful world. I am guilty of hero worship, as you well know. so we were on our way, walking to the car. but upon discovering someone attempting to park their cashew nut sized car into a spot that would�ve been smug on any other car I told toni to loiter with me awhile. �I want to wait till that person is parked because I don�t want him to see me leaving my parking space and give up on what he�s doing. we will stand here and pretend to talk. (in the direction of the parking car) come on, man. park.. it isn�t like you�re driving a Lincoln continental for cryin out loud.� of course that is not a direct quote but bear with me and my faulty memory, that was the general idea. as soon as the driver cuts his lights I give toni the green light and we start in for the auto (pronounced AWWtoe, here). instead of turning left at the light, then, I turned right and we drove. I was thinking about having Bronx pizza and stepping thoughtlessly on the gas pedal when she said, as though crowned with a brilliance to make Christmastime envious, �Gasp, let�s go to Tea Station!� yes indeed. we set off and start talking about that boy. I remember saying one or two things quite emphatically (or maybe I mean insistently) just before the exit. always trust your instincts, they are never wrong. I say that because when I was very clearly taking the east off ramp I decided to take the west. and that was a case of the great mistake. although it isn�t so great I couldn�t think of a one-syllabled word that carried off the same implications as �great.� we arrived and were seated almost immediately (regardless of the faithful crowd of straight-haired, pallid toned, guffaw-ing twixters and clique mongers. we ordered, we ate, we chatted some more about disturbed people.. namely the one with the drooping sleep in his eyes. our server forgot my eggs and was generally quite slapdash about her service, so much so that toni felt the need to throw daggers. I told her to cool it because there�s nothing worse than the burning caused by the intensity of heated laser rays being fired from brown eyes. she giggled and waved her hands about. we gathered our things soon and left. we left to stay, however, because toni felt so full that she needed another smoke (break). so we loitered behind my car and talked some more about songs, movies and musical numbers. I kept redoing part of that song at the end of grease.. something about feeling your way. I can see the whole scene (or whole reels of scenery), in my mind. its cute. but what was the point again? ah! yes. we laughed more, talked more, competing to be heard more.. then we dove into the car with gusto and headed, once again, for home.
10:48 - Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005
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