the one truly terrible thing, for me, in the story of peter pan is that i cannot place myself with any one of the characters with whom to live vicariously through. and that seems to be pretty important to me right now.. having a place in the lives of my dear friends.
its a dilemma really and quite inaccurate for me to say "right now" as though it hasn't been a running theme with me. fitting in, belonging.. but then that isn't so extraordinary. most of us want to find that we're fit company.. well, that we're more than just another body, adding more heat to the coldest part of the room.
so i always have trouble with stories like peter pan. there will be those that say, right away, "I want to be Peter Pan!" or, "You be one of the lost boys, you're perfect for it!"
i guess i'm saying that i just don't always feel like i fit properly. and its such a let down to read something or be excited by something literary (because deep down is the little girl still trying to fit into the game, the story, the play) and all the while, hoping to land a great part.. when all the while, and unbeknownst to me, i have only one thing to look forward to: falling flat on my face.. because there is no one i can play and no role made for me.
well.. tonight, for a few fleeting moments, i felt that i was right where i should've been all the time. i sat with d and rb (or shall i now refer to him as ra?) in the kitchen discussing (d says scrutinizing) his latest piece, the untying (shall this be the other version?).. i mean.. the undying. oops! should i even include the title? am i copyright infringing? oh well.. if he's reading this i'm sure he'll send word to me ("or rip my throat out and bash my head in" --hah hah [an insider's reference]).
it was a good session of talks and sharing and correction and input and exchanging fact and fiction and--
there are one too many conjunctions in this muddled thought.
briefly, i felt i had a place with them both. i felt like judy garland in meet me in st. louis, in the famous trolley car scene.... "clang clang clang went the trolley. ding ding ding went the bell. Tug Tug Tug went my heartstrings, from the moment i saw him i fell...." i could keep going but maybe you get the idea. giddy. i was giddy (but only very briefly) because i felt safe again. still falling but not so fast and not without the hope that there would be cushions to break my poor landing.
its late and i weaken (because i am made of flesh) and i ramble, so i know i don't make much sense. tomorrow i will be surprised again.
i felt like the scene in one of d's older stories. i know he probably wrote it and meant the references to other people but i connected (or i felt connected), really included. those moments are rare.
we had such nice talks in the kitchen, tonight. and i still doubt and worry over losing people (why don't i just say what i really mean).. and loved ones. loved ones that are not people, not just anyone. loved ones.
so thank you, dn, rb, d and the girls.. for showing me what i would've been lost without: the way another family makes it, day in and day out.
wow. that was a terrible note to end on.. quite flat and unremarkable. i can't stand it.
my nose is stuffed.
highlights of the evening?
hiding from rb when he called his mom and said that i should say hello. he couldn't find me!! and i was only in the green room closet. i liked hearing him walk toward and walk away from each of the rooms in the back, befuddled at my disappearance and muttering in spanish.
maybe he was stalling but i am such a child. why can't i function like all the others? everyone does what they're supposed to do? everyone, that is, except me. i wonder sometimes if i will ever get it just right.
and now for sleep. postscriptMORE, ABOUT THESE TYPE OF TALKING NIGHTS, LATER.. WHEN I AM NOT SO TOSSED ABOUT BY MY TIRED MUSCLES AND ACHING ACHES.
00:34 - Friday, Feb. 25, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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