my dear dark blue,
things are falling apart. that is to say, things have fallen apart; which is to say--something which i thought i would never say--"its become incredibly difficult to be around you". but what does that mean anyway. well maybe it means that my thoughts or doubts about you get in the way, making it difficult to see the person i have always seen--or maybe its revealing something stark and real that i refused to see in the first place or totally overlooked.
i'm exhausted. i'm exhausted and worried about deadlines, now more than ever before. its as though i'm turning to deadlines and facts because these things are tangible. and its safe to say that i don't think of you in the same way as i had done. but then does this mean goodbye? i'm asking myself and i can't come up with a good enough answer. i'm more worried about the external concrete-real, and the weight that these things carry, than i am about whats going to happen next: success and/or failure. well, no, i suppose that isn't entirely true. after all i am worried about something that has been gnawing away at my innards--not to put too graphic a detail on it.
you, at one point in time, mentioned something about being a fraud. i didn't understand you then, oh those many years and ponderous nights ago. and recently there was something about not pretending anymore. i've been mulling over pretense and identity since your recent or renewed insistence has fallen onto the scene, like wreckage. and i don't know what to make of it. what were lies and what were truths, i wonder? and what remains, then? what figures will rise out of these new beginnings? these added appendages...
and my but you are the talk of the town. and, more than that, i've never seen you behave as you do and i wonder to myself whether its the recognition now, the title or the publicity of title thats newly been bestowed. is this merely part of the "blessing" ceremony that happens at the start of a new situation, announced and all? but then its perhaps never been more true, than it is now, to say that it is not my concern. here, i imagine one of your more stern expressions--the type of frowning that will never leave you because you cling to it as much as it no longer knows any other host but you. this expression and you, you and this expression, of utmost gravity. and you need not speak to convey your disapproval or discomfort or--?
i am constantly befuddled.
i suppose all of my talk and my dreaming of disappearing from you, of receding further into expanding dark and forgetting.. i suppose all of that is finally coming true and the end is nigh?
and oh how terribly heavy my heart is now. who ever thought the actual and real-live end would come? certainly not i. and how unprepared i've been. and so calmly too (at least on my side of the looking glass anyway). i know i must seem so miserably melodramatic. but the finality in all this is something that is inescapable.
oh and please don't mistake my heavy heartedness as envy or mislaid longing. for although it is true that i am so blue...it isn't only because of you. its also because of me and my failure and betrayal of myself to myself. i broke a vow that i'd made to my own self when i told you how strongly i'd once felt for you. i was wrong to cross over. i was wrong to cannibalize our friendship. i was wrong and i'm sorry for it and i'm making my shame public because its about scars and pain for me now, these things are lasting things that i must needs take with me. i must suffer in whatever way is best--either for believing in a fraudulent you or an even more fraudulent me. so please don't think of me or this again.
i am happy because you are happy and sad on my own and in secret for the dying of a light. my dear i love you dearly still, i always always will... even across distances and the storm of resting quietude.
signed, as ever, and yours truly,
myself.
00:54 - Saturday, Apr. 09, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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