firstly, thank you zuri for the compliment and i apologize for my no-calling self. i've received, now, your message over the phone and your email. thank you. i will send a reply.
second, i have been out of the loop. i have been on hold. i have still been quite cold, here. its interesting to be so out of the loop, it feels just like when you happen to stub your toe against something metal and it hurts like a ringing in the ears. all thought and all memory is lost and the only thing you can do is squeeze your eyes shut and curse bloody hell. this is what it feels like to be out of the loop.
third, i don't know how long it will take me to get back into the loop and/or how long i will even be able to stay in it--if i can manage to creep back in it. wait, that lingering stuff belongs in the previous "second" portion. third is the move-on-to-the-next-bullet-point portion and i can't believe i'm messing this up. this is the hollow look of self-sabotage.
fourth, rue and i are happy together. we have not settled, as i had once written and believed. we have been, as a unit, on hiatus from our efforts. i am learning to let go of things that are not helpful and he is learning to be human on the weekends with me. i enjoy his company and his closing his eyes and leaning on my arm. its been a year and we are infants in this and its wrong of me (or has been wrong) to apply so much pressure to such a young and breakable thing. i know, now, more than before how much its going to hurt when he has to pick up his things and leave. everything will be (or should be) coming to a very narrow point this summer. i am nervous and sometimes quite hyper-aware about him and us. i'm going to miss him quite a lot when and if he has to go into the rest of the world, following this career. but at least now i am happy and he is happy because i'm not such a drag because of all my unhappiness and doubt. see? cycles.
its quite a strange feeling, actually. it must be a lot like what brain surgery feels like on the patient's end, i imagine. for part of the time you are awake while the doctors tinker around in your noodle. they show you flash cards and have conversations while they continue to tap and delve in your gray matter. the doctors steer and maneuver about, with you as their guide to you.
i've said all that to say this: i've been waiting to feel what i didn't feel last month that i feel this month. i've been waiting to feel this for the entire year. was i only rushing myself? who can say. all i know is that i'm incredibly happy being with him, now. and so i know its going to ruin me when he breaks with me.. if he does. and honestly, he must do it. for the good of himself and for the good of me. i know (have known) what he has needed to do before he has known or understood it himself. things in the future may still change, i know. but for now i am happy. i miss him more often than i used to. i don't mind giving because it isn't a contest, now.. it isn't a battling power play. i know what i want, now. and he's finding out how to say what's on his mind. so the only problem for me, now, is that i love him something lovely. and we all know what lovely turns into. i love him and am still unwell about it because i hesitate and, in fact, stop myself from saying it fully. it makes me nervous and as soon as these last little bits have left me i'll be at ease and at my best and happier than i ever expected to be with him.
here's something interesting that i was introduced to:
"If a woman can love only one man, then she's not affirming the emotion of love but the man; only if a woman loves continually does she give affirmation to love in and of itself."
from: The Day I Got to Xi'an by:(?) Duo Duo and collected in "Chairman Mao Would Not Be Amused"
23:32 - Monday, Jan. 31, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
lv2write00
squirrelx
cdghost
smoog
muppetathena
crystal42
thatdame
iwillsurvive
monstre
ouvrelesyeux
poolagirl
lintpickle
i-am-jack
anniewaits18
alicewonders
sunnflower
crateobscure