the internet connection is sometimes on the fritz.
my toes are cold.
my novella is incomplete and driving me to madness.
i hate deadlines and am strangely drawn to the automated voice which, first, tried to help me get my internet up and working again.
i am distracted.
i must shower and meet him for lunch.
what is happening with the things i endeavor to do and the things that have actually come to pass already.
it is eleven twenty in the morning and i have had two bowls of cereal and would like to watch a sunday tv movie but must keep typing if i am to be any kind of a-- i don't know what i was going to say or i was afraid to say what i was going to say. "if i am to be any kind of a--? student? writer? person-who-finishes-what-a-person-starts?
distance.
feul.
intermittent lights and noises.
the movies last night. scorsese does it again.
i am losing my mind and he or the question of him in my mind is making it difficult for me to stay in a good mood.
blood n' guts.
cold toes, bad circulation.
me, a constant issue of tardiness. why? i don't know. perhaps it all started the day that i was supposed to have been born but wasn't. i slept in for two more days and as a consequence was born with dry skin.
there's a subject. child birth. been thinking about it of late. partly because i've been trying to write about it for a piece i'm working on and having trouble with. its been on the brain, this child birth child production business.
a friend of mine who has premonitions and predictions says that i have a child in my future, a girl. the prospect is frightening because i believe him because he's never been wrong and because i'm not really fit to be anyones mother let alone a poor helpless girl baby who is my very own.
its really terrifying if i let myself continue to marinate on the thought. so i think i'll stop that now.
the apartment is mess. i mean that it was arleady a mess but now its just more of a mess because i have been moving things around, rearranging the clutter, which does nothing really because though i WAS sitting over there..... now, i'm sitting over here.
and this whole entry is really just my way of killing a bit of time until the internet comes back into my life in a moment and i can post this update so that it comes back up and is available for my readership of two.
today is sunday and i'm going to the airport later. but if i want to make any kind of a person of myself i have to shower now so that i can get on with it.
oh bullocks!! now my fingers are cold!
00:30 - Monday, Jan. 24, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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