back from the long day of floating in and out of being happy to be involved and invited. back from a long day, though most activities took place in the afternoon to late evening. today was the bAh-bah-cue at robs moms house in T.J.
feel a bit better about my friendship/ties to/with domani.. my dear dark blue. you know.. the funny thing is that where i once felt or thought i felt something that i couldn't ever speak of, i now feel so foolish for pretending so big.
tonight, as the screen flickered the classic cartoon characters of Tom, the cat, chasing Jerry the mouse.. as the image of Jerry poking needles through a box wherein Tom sat folded in on himself, i realized something.
i held onto one of the so-called "biggest secrets of my life" thing for such a long time.
it kept me company for so long.. protected by the injuries that prying would have done.
and it wasn't even ever a real secret. how foolish of me, no? why did i give it so much importance? life? such a hold over me, my actions, my ability to speak freely and from the heart.
and above all that, what was i ever thinking?!
and then tonight.. ah me, what a sweet tormented boy he is.
don't get me wrong, this is not pity i'm feeling or writing about. this is more about the realization, and solely on my part, of true solitude. how it stands up, solid and aloof and distant--wavering now and again.
this is about the pink behind my ears. this is about fear and worry and totality.
oh and its also about meeting your match.
i wonder if i shall ever meet mine
or if i waste my time looking and waiting for another future note or realization (like this one that passed).
such a marvelous lesson..
so heavy, the gift of a heart
and so generous and rich.
ribbons of velvet topple and tumble from my hands.
--and its taken me so long to get to this place, where i knew i was always going to be: inside the joy of solitude and then cushioned only a little by the love and reality of friendship and crime.
broken, i put my heart in two again.
and isn't it a lot of gorgeous madness to be alive!? to desire to be like--?
and then again, oh how i waver...
tomorrow i will be sane and write of one thing and another. tomorrow i will not worry over the sadness and tears of my friends. i will worry about making bets and casting dares into concrete.
my dear dark blue.. please be at ease and at rest. i love you dearly but i do not want to possess you. i love you purely and without an agenda. you are a dear and bosom friend. and when you look to me, know that i will be looking back without regret or sadness or any desire to keep you any longer than you have to stay.
and from here on, as we've always been, friends and family.
00:58 - Tuesday, Jun. 21, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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