today. all day. alone in my methods and in my mind. all day, a long day, alone day.
the schoolday was done for me by six:twenty or thirty in the evening and i was tired. not the same kind of tired that carries one to bed and pillows.. the kind of tired that requires something. some action or speech or something to re-invigorate the senses.
so i took myself to a movie in a theater near by the area i was in (near campus). actually there was a little more to it than that. i had the idea that i wanted to see a movie (Finding Neverland) since about eleven am this morning. so at brkfst i paused, snuck over to the computor to check showtimes and lo and behold there was a showing at 7:50pm at the theater closest to campus! what luck! i thought. fantastic. so i planned for it.
i hadn't watched a movie alone in years! i didn't think i could do it. and i know it really isn't a big deal because there are about a million lonely (or alone) people in the world.. just crawling all over each other. but i thought i wouldn't be able to do it. i thought that being alone (which is what tends to do it most of the time) for that many more hours in the day would drive me up the wall. because it has done in the past. i'll be honest. yes, being an only child, prepares a person like me for it. and i'm actually more comfortable with being alone than most people can tolerate. but even only children (who then become only adults) need a little human interaction from time to time. and i thought that i wouldn't know how to handle it, me.. on my own.. in the dark.
but i went! i sat and i saw. and i'm convinced that my comfort has to do with my age. you see, the first time i went on an excursion of that sort.... well wait, that's too far back. i suppose the first time i went on an excursion/outing on my own and didn't want to be alone (see, that's what really does it. to go on alone when you don't want to be alone.. that was the challenge). that was a long time ago, i think i may still have been in highschool or i had just graduated and suffered a six month long nervous breakdown self-imposed hermitage. when i went into hiding. hmm. yes. that was a long long time ago now.
at any rate (i've digressed too far). i've lost my way and can't remember (or trust the world) to help keep the road where it should be.
at any rate, i went to the movies and felt a comfort that i hadn't felt or hadn't thought i could remember i would feel. i had a marvelous time and it was good for me to be alone.
rb says that he hates being alone and that its somehow punishment. for me, it is, i've found, the reverse. my punishment (one that i sometimes help to inflict on myself) is to be around people. bodies milling about or just taking up space because they feel they have a right to it. like that boy who, while on a bus that was full of standing bodies encroaching on other bodies, stuck his rear end out so that i was pushed onto someone elses space.
no. i can't stand to be around very many people. i like to watch, sometimes way off at the corner table, sometimes in the middle of it with the madness and frenzy of it rushing around me. but on the whole its rather uncomfortable for me. though i'm sure that what rb was talking about (being alone) had/has to do more with having your people around you--not just anyone. not that you always have to entertain a party-sized group of people buzzing around you (or staring at you).
(and here i pause, so you should too)
00:18 - Friday, Feb. 11, 2005
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