dammit dammit dammit.
that was wrong.
start over.
my shoulder hurts today because i slept on it with all of my weight and all of my harm and all of my thoughtlessness. i wonder what it must have looked like.
i stayed up til four am or fourthirty am to respond to andy's latest email in this weird door-opening experience of screaming. he hasn't responded so i'm not sure what to think. did he try, again, and succeed in ending his life? if so i can't deal with the reality or the possibility of what that means. and the only reason i'm able to type it out here is because i don't believe that he did. but i don't know because i'm blind. always have been.
the internet has just left the room and now i've unplugged it and will have to sit here jamming in as much as i can until i have to get up and plug it back in again. that is mundane but necessary if i want to stay in touch.
i'm fooling myself and the paint on my nails chips and flakes and falls away in thick hunks because i've two layers of thick dark coating on. poison.
i've downloaded three tapehead songs and listen to them now. hoping for an engine? hoping for combustion or puffs of black smoke spouting, trying at least.
the quarter is almost over. i still need a loan. i still need to finish these two giant monstrous projects and they battle it out for my attention. papers shuffling. papers strewn. papers sifting through light or some other sort of reversal. i pity my ankle that does not work and when i am sixty nine i will cry about it like a silly old woman.
i feel odd and off kilter, moody and violent. the clock is about to strike three. i think this (too) is a spiral.. because honestly, now, what do i know about homosexual necrophilia? and that's what this "piecemeal girl" is about. and stitches. still listening to tapehead's slow days. the television also in the background.. the noisy white. shuffle dangle strangle.
breaker break-her.
this here, the following that is, is.. hah. funny that. an interruption list of words that i like the sound of (because i have been meaning to share.though i AM hoping he is not lying across a railroad somewhere flattened. ((*insert the loudest scream*)) insert exhaust. insert trauma and pictures of harm.. safety nowhere to be found. inside the fatal face, the sounds.
i am proceeding now, with the words containing sounds i like. i'm fond, you see, sounds involving the right combination of c's k's and p's. the apostrophe, i know, isn't necessary but i needed it visually.
words i like
or words i like that do or do not contain ps, cs, or ks:pocket,
cup
pock mark
epic
pike
peek
park
cooper
capella
corporation
corpuscle
carbunkle
kerplunk
kepler ?
cape
corpse
cake
candle
kiss
pick
pub
imposter
pace
pittance
supplicant
infarction
pruriant
chink
phlox
phonetic
apoplexy
apoplectic
muck
sulfur
phoenix
portable
pork
corpulent
pustule
provocate
flank
plateau
pan
Pleiades
plump
cave
castle
penknife
junction
port
polish
polka
polystyrene
pop
posh
porcelain
spindle
procure
proctoscope
apophasis
apopemtic
apothecary
appliqu�
appendix
apt
mortification
carpet
pillow
cartography
Crete
muckraker
muskrat
kit
musk
musket
Mycenae (but with a hard k sound instead of the soft s that webster suggests is right)
mimic
mock
musculature
corruption
mudpack
miscreant
misanthropic
dreadful
o'pine
pint
ghastly distraction.
i never agreed with christine of the heathcliff and christine in that story where one does not release the other and one is foolish and lead by the other. youth.
this is dumb and i am wasting my time and mind and internet window of opportunity.
and now, somone has put out the sun.
14:33 - Monday, Feb. 21, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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