i feel compelled to update but i have nothing to say. no, that's not true either. i have things to say.. just nothing very interesting i suppose--as interesting things go..
currently in the (new and improved) headphones is some streaming radio station on winamp that plays bollywood music. i'm not sure if this stuff is generally from the actual bollywood soundtracks of any of the films out there..but here it is streaming. i think i'm going to switch to another station.
hmm. thats interesting. i've tuned to something more traditionally indian or hindi sounding. subdued. nice. chalte chalte. this kind of music makes me want to don a sari and dance about gingerly.
today was exhausting in a way that you wouldn't generally think that driving back and forth for six hours would be. really. if i don't have somewhere to go, inside, i would not last. and it was hard enough being that its finals week. but perhaps i just complain too much. i mean, this is after all what i said i wanted.. a job where i could disappear, be a cog in the great wheel and all that cal. this is tougher than i thought it would be though and i wonder if its just because i don't have enough, on the inside, to get me through it. i say this because i know i shouldn't complain. a job is, after all, a job. right?
in the meantime i'm rather low on funds. how long do loans take to approve? i'm still pretty displeased with my scholastic achievements, efforts.. oh heck, anything tied to school. but i must finish. i must.
and in other news, is it spring already? are we there yet? today, or for the better part of it anyway, with the sun smiling down on everyone it was a-- it was a false kind of spring, i think. the small trees rustled from time to time, the young women were blushing and sometimes modest (as modest as you can claim to be in a mini-skirt and low-cut top), the young men were...distracted. i caught two men and a slew of others, in their various trucks and cars, with that ten thousand mile stare. and i do so love staring at people who are unaware i am staring. i mean, a voyeur (in the mildest sense) i may be but i do draw the line... i just haven't ever really discovered what that line was necessarily. i'll prey on anyone, i suppose. hmmm. maybe i feel i can only say that because i haven't done it as often as i imply. but if i had the time..if i only had the time. i have the inclination, and now (thanks to d and the new binocs that i keep in the glove box) i have the means. perhaps over spring break i'll stretch out underneath a wonderful bay window and just let my worries sink way away to the bottom.... thud.
why do i do it? why would i? why consider it? it amuses me of course. and i'm not harming anyone, i don't think i am. i'm mostly discreet about it. i'm not a deviant. i wouldn't do it to get my jollies. it doesn't even give me jollies. not the jolly kind of jollies. so maybe i'm not really a voyeur. maybe i'm just a peeker. peeker sounds so....bleh. peeker sounds smarmy. why i'm looking into other peoples windows hasn't anything smarmy to do with it. i just like to see how other people do it. what kinds of choices other people make with the space they've paid for. i like to see people move through the space they've created for themselves to live in. the place that most people will go to and sleep in and call home. i like to see their idea of home, of safety. is it wrong of me? perhaps, yes. but if they were truly wanting privacy they would shut me out entirely and pull down the shade. if any one of them did i'd move on. i would. scouts honor.
hmmm. it seems as though i've picked up d's habit of missing apostrophes when showing possession. hmmm. i am a thief, aren't i.
[sigh]
this entry isn't much of an entry. just a lot of rot. just a lot of talk. nothing innovative. no attempts. nuts.
last night i had the chance to watch rbs latest acquired Laurel n' Hardy film. i loved it! that Stan Laurel really was a master at the craft. such polished expression and behavior. such gorgeous timing! my heart turned over watching him be so funny just sitting peeling and consuming a hard boiled egg. oh i loved it so. i loved the Live Ghost short mostly because of Stans wimpering and worried expression. and i LOVED that marvelous need that exists between these two friends. these two men, especially, who were really boys--which is the ideal situation anyway. i think i see that so rarely in women. that kind of friendship is so much more difficult to attain in women. 'we' have to be suspicious of the world and each other, from the very first, because everyone wants something from us or wants to take from us. they want us to cook, clean, produce children, be a comfort, compete with other women, be vivacious, be mild, soft, inwardly strong and outwardly vulnerable, loving, understanding, compliant, tender, to be loyal... and so on. on the other end of it, i suppose that 'men' have it just as bad. we want strength, protection, devotion, fidelity, mystery, romance, charm, goodness, security, not to be left behind....
what, then, do women what from other women? and men from other men?
the birds outside sing far into the night. a storm approaches. i try again.. to say something, to make a difference, to ask questions, drive away, sit up straighter..and so on
22:00 - Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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