Here it is, morning. Bright and heralding good news in all things. Truly, a good start. Since I didn�t finish rearranging and/or taking apart my cell, my room, my place of sleeping I decided to sleep in the living room. I rarely do that and it felt strange at first but then at two in the morning I suppose I just wanted to close my eyes and recharge. I�ve found though, and only very lately, that my waking, thinking, fearful mind is keeping me up in the nights�more so than any deeper need to create (which is what I wish were the case). It happened in palm springs, it happened in san pedro. I just couldn�t get to sleep or I wasn�t allowing myself to rest. And I�m sure that whatever ghosts there were they weren�t after me, I was just sort of in their way. But this isn�t about that, not entirely.. I don�t think.yes. and for the time being, that is the end.
So this morning my dear young boys are off to have adventures in the �den of inequity� or near one of the dens? (quote is as HSThompson once referred to it in that book which was turned into a movie). If I remember correctly there was excited (boyish) mention of adventures by the side of the road. For example, there are ghosttowns to be explored and dust bowls to follow (dust bowls?) are there not? Pirates to do battle with in swashbuckling cinemascope scenes?? People don�t have enough good duke-em-out fights that end in good sportsmanship and the possibility of a new and loyal friend anymore (because you DO only truly know who someone is and what they�re made of, when you have to fight him �.or her). For me, its very strange and troublesome being a half-breed, of sorts. I do know what it means to feel those certain moods and reasons and rhymes that rb sometimes talks about. I am able to relate to the world and people with a similar sort of innocence and wonder. But I also know the growling unrelenting darkness of violence, anger, rage, malicious behavior, brutality, selfish intentions and greed and lust. I sometimes feel as though those halves in me are locked in perpetual struggle�as, I suppose, the feminine and masculine qualities and roles are constantly being agitated and upset.
but I�ve been sidetracked.
So, of course, as soon as I woke up I text messaged the boys to have a safe, clean, fun, adventuresome trip. I woke up right from a dream I was having in which I actually got to go along with them on this trip or a trip like it and through the desert and into the oasis that IS lv. It was lotsa fun I tellya. I woke up just as there was about to be a bar fight, old west style. That�s when I text messaged them to have a safe trip and great adventures. �Course, they pro�lly had not left yet and I, once again, jumped the gun�. But I�m a girl anyway and what do I know about guns.
Should I clarify what I meant just now when I put in bold letters that I think they should have clean fun? I�m sure it can be taken one of two ways, but maybe seen with an extra layer of confusion and connectedness I�ll be better understood. There is, of course, the �to have good, clean fun� type of fun which usually means that there isn�t any sexiness to muddy up the purity of old fashioned adventure. There is, also, the kind of �good, clean fun� that has to do with being hygienic and making the right choices as far as that goes. But you have to remember that it isn�t always JUST the thing that�s being said but the person that�s doing the saying.
When I say it, I mean it in an innocently protective sort of wendy-esque or even tinker-bell-esque and familial sort of way.. not in the infatuated and catty jealous-girl way that I�m afraid it might be interpreted as if I press too firmly upon the issue. I�m no one to make demands and have expectations of people and friends in general, you know. Unconditional friendship, encouragement, love, support and all of that�nothing more to it.
*insert here, an image of me nodding in the affirmative.*
Yes. Ehem. Well I think I�m just beating a dead horse now. And I really don�t like beating on anything. Also I�ve lost my cheerful morning mood and so I�d better get on with doing actual meaningful active work of the day.
23:29 - Sunday, Mar. 20, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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