i was driving home, earlier tonight, from having spent time with r at the movies and then back at his place. i wasn't sleepy, i was a bit hungry. i didn't yet want to go home (this was about a half hour ago now). i drove around, wasting gas and trying to think what i could have as a midnight snack--nothing healthy at this hour, that's for sure. so, fine, i'm going to be drenched right? might as well dance in the rain. (alright, cheese-ball imagery there but what the heck its one o'clock in the mornin time, sue me).
so i'm driving along (and also sort of waiting for a text message reply from charles though i was trying not to admit it to myself because i felt like i was making something of it in my own rambling mind when i really should just have not.. made a thing of it.. in my mind). i drive by the am/pm and spy a group of about six guys having a bit of a smoke. loitering, in general, i suppose. and just like that, with so little a prompt, i'm tumbling backward to what i was thinking about on the freeway drive home--when i first realized that i didn't yet want to turn in for the night.
my thoughts passed over both the coupled and the non-coupled friends in my circle. my thoughts passed over the (getting-shorter-by-the-millisecond) list of people that might be up and free to have a wind-down chat on a friday evening.
my inner eyes landed upon toni, charles, dom. the eyes refocused. toni, charles. and again. charles.
then i remembered some phrase or look that toni was/is famous for giving me (whether she intends it or no) when it comes to the subject of "you have ruel, now... your busy... i didn't want to bother you"
that gets me thinking. single people have the power of guilt, (mild to spicy) bitterness (hahah. the thought of spice bitterness. what does THAT taste like?)
where was i? oh yes, the power of guilt, a gradation of bitterness, and... i don't really know what to call the third. its something like passive-aggressive blame and victimization.
look i know that sounds extremely harsh (so, toni, don't start getting angry or hurt or--worse) but i'm being honest and speaking, or rather typing calmly with no blame. i'm just trying to work this thing out as clinically and to the point as possible. i was thinking about these things earler and i'm attempting to be coherent.
Q: if i were in tonis very difficult to fill position would i feel the same?
A: yes (hands down). and i have been the single friend whose very dear and best and close friend was fortunate enough to start a real relationship.
Q: would you be able to deal?
A: no, not at first. and this comes from experience. quite a lot of girl friends of mine have gone on. the adjustments, for me, were brutal but necessary and i was better for them. but thats just me anyhow.
none of this applies to toni at the moment. because what i'm really thinking about is this: pairs vs. clusters.
when i drove by those blokes having their late-night smoke (their after-the-club, and after-another-failed-night-of-no-action-but-man-that-was-fun night) i actually sort of had to let myself be envious a little.
those fellas were unattached (or some one or two of them were getting it regular but not regular enough by their terms sorts of fellas). they had each other to beat back the lonliness of downtime. i have to think about these things. i have to brace myself. because i'd hate to see what happens to me if i don't.
and its at times like these that i remember ces from all those years ago telling me that i'd better watch out. that i'd better not become a girl who chooses her man over her girl friends--because theres nothing worse than that type of disloyalty, one rooted in the sex of the person in question.
good grief, why does anybody have to be in question? am i at the police station for crying out loud?
i'm trying, or have tried, to strike a balance between both. at times its difficult with your single girl friends--keeping them in your thoughts, keeping their concerns at the forefront, keeping them.... well, yes. i suppose just keeping them. at other times its (still) sometimes a challenge with your non-single girl friends.
all in all, what i'm saying about pairs and clusters, the single and non-single, the confused or somewhere in the middle.. what i'm saying is that, for me, solitude is solitude. lonliness is lonliness. you can be in love or in a loving relationship but you cannot make the mistake of occupying every naked void in your life (and by you i really mean me. which may mean you if you consider that we are close friends and are really extensions of each other).
people cannot (girls especially i suppose) cannot go around looking for that "one" perfect person to "complete" him or her or me. forget whatever you think you've learned from movies like jerry mcguire. to presume that you are only really half of something that is on this eternal journey in search of that "other half" is to presume a whole helluva lot. i'm not even close to being half of anything. personally, i think i'm barely at the one sixteenth measure of being something/someONE to any one of my nearest and dearest.
but i'm working on it.
i'm working on it (and trying so hard not to backslide) by showing up to a very big deal, important situation when i'm requested and needed. i don't always catch it just right. in fact i tend to miss the opportunities and the little windows left open for me. and it may come off as neglect or forgetfulness or the big brush off.. but it isn't.
i'm working on it and the sign of that is that i keep showing up. i may falter. i may falter for months upon days upon years, i may falter.. but i will show up again. i will debase myself if i must--apologize, slink, curdle, doubt, become inconsolably nervous. but i will accept the lectures and the looks and the discomfort and the hurt and the awkward moments of realizing that you are no longer a part of a larger team but a smaller duo.
i'll learn to accept it because i had it coming.
i had it coming and i knew it.
and thats all for now. i've been sitting here thinking how to close this thing off but i can't come up with anything. perhaps tomorrow i'll get back into the details of a thing. the very up-close details of a person or a gesture or a day.. just to see if i can (still) get close enough to a thing. so closely to it, the thing i'm trying to describe, that it becomes a gorgeous burst of something wholey (wholely?) unrecognizable!
i hope that, with this entry, i did not offend.
tomorrow i'll spend some journal efforts on dreams i've had lately, interests, my concern over when to say what i should say to r before he goes off into the world again. before things start, once again, to pick up speed again.
01:01 - Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005
Recent entries:
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newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
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