don't you hate when you put perfume on and it starts to give you a bit of the old achey head? (i know you, whoever you are, will roll your beadie (sp?) eyes and say something like "that means you've put too much on!" when the truth is that i didn't, the stuff is just uber (insert your own oomlat over the u) potent.. but i digress) ..and yes i hate that very much. potency, that is...there is something about it that somehow suggests that it can exist in a totally unchecked state. but i'll try not to let it dampen things or fog up my thought process.
so last night i was out with a strange mix of folks. well ok not strange really. just not "the usual" which is actually fine, really. but as a person of habit and territory who runs from most new experiences --and people-- (though, admittedly, not all) there were times i felt a real unease.
i guess i SHOULD say that it isn't any fault of the company. so ok, there it is. my awkward, uneasy feelings were due, in no small part, to the evenings company. wait. wha--?
last night's cast of players? oscarr, toni, fernando, myself
and tonight a bonfire in commemoration of seabass's observed birthday. so its a summer birthday bonfire. he was gracious enough to extend the invitation to his not-quite-so-bosom buddies, e.g. myself and toni. for the life of me i still don't know why we've been included in a lot of these things.. these outings and these often rustic soirees. hahahhah.. rustic. who the hell do i think i am. hahahah. i mean i still and will probably always feel like i'm intruding on this type of "group". these boys, afterall, that toni and i have fallen in with have been friends since their highschool days. or anyway around the time when some kids really are forming those life-long bonds. i was not, however, one of those kids so the idea of it fascinates me still. well maybe not fascinates so much as interests.
i mean, i know i probably had plenty of opporunities to make friends and be more social than i was in those terrible, horrible, dreadful highschool years but i told myself not to get attached. i mean that i didn't trust anybody. i was so much more guarded and i played the part that i thought best fit me, naturally: the floater or the acquaintance.. heheh.. "walking among them, but not of them" so-to-speak. which just means that i didn't bother to really confide in anyone so deeply that i might later be compromised.
in any case, i have friends now that i fight with, confide in, trust immeasurably, love a great deal more than they are able to grasp, joke with, be disgusting with.. i mean, they're all there. it hasn't been perfect. i've suffered let-downs and violent clashes in ego and shame.. but so have they. so we're friends.. and everything is, usually, copasetic. we're all a terrifying mix of histories and envious streaks and arguments and distractions and egoes and scandal. we're facts that we each put up with and adore and we stick out our chins and we grin and we bear each other on our backs until its uncomfortable and we buck them and have a scuffle and start all over again.
but all that is much too much mush for so bright a summer late-afternoon. i mean i also sometimes wish i could keep the numbers down to a managable minimum. unfortunately i'm much too schizophrenic for that.. much too MPD.. much too obsessive compulsive --in thought more than in action, of course. and so to have to face up to the reality that there are and always will be that select few makes me a little skittish. a little nervous. because then i actually have to answer for myself. much more will be expected of me than i am even now aware of. i'll have to face myself and be myself and the guage will be reflected in the eyes and the approval and the acceptance of these friends; it will be in what these people expect of me and i will expect of them. gah. i'm getting old.
5:35 p.m. - 2003-08-09
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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