i am sick again. i am coughing dry coughs again and leaking from my face and feeling like a wreck. i am collecting, on my person, phantom bruises.. you know the ones, you feel them but don't see them or see them but don't feel them. i am a threat to movie-goers in packed theaters. i am a terrorist to the health of multitudes.
this disturbs me deeply. why? oh because i cannot do things without experiencing, and by extension forcing others to experience, my disgusting expulsions of phlegm and misery.
sickness disturbs people. it reminds them of what comes next.. death. it reminds them of their own mortality. i am an example to all. i hate being an example. its terrible. people are either always avoiding you (read: running from the contagion that is you undeniably) or they interview you to death:
"well, honey what have you been taking? have you been taking anything? oh, you should really try some hot tea and honey or some ginger root. also you should really get a good nights rest. have you tried echinacea? oh it works wonders, dear."
and so on
[r] wonders why i'm getting sick so often. he speaks with concern.. i think.. and not just that, "ew. what's wrong with you really?" tone that i dread so. or i don't know.. maybe he IS grossed out by it. i know i am. i hate being sickly. i really need to get back into shape. anyway i've got to get into better shape than i'm in. i get winded. sure, that's no big deal. people get winded, who doesn't? but not whilst getting into the bloody car, right!?!!
aww phooey.
the thing is that i wasn't a lazy child. in fact i was pretty hyper as a child. i remember constantly being told to slow down. yes, i was rather excitable then as now.. only about diff'rent things. or.. i don't know. maybe the same things still.. just with adjusted intensity.
i remember that i wanted to run. i was very into running in the seventh and tenth and eleventh grades. my breasts were always a problem (as i was one of those early developing girls.. which was all the more troubling because i didn't want to be girlie and sexual at elven and twelve) but i did as much as i could to keep them out of my way and under wraps. i had a lot of "gear" and "armor". usually a combination of two or three combinations of regular bra and sports bras. i was miserably ill equipped to deal.
but that was then.. over and done with and irretrievable. bleh.
how did i get to this again?....? breasts?.. ah yes! being out of shape.
i mean, don't get me wrong i don't feel exactly the same way about my ..self.. as i did then. i think that, yes, i've grown to tolerate the fact that i can't do certain things and that my chest may be one of the first things someone may notice or may even equate me with. like, there she goes.. that's her. the freakish girl who would otherwise be normal and likable if not for the distraction that is her rack.
i mean.. bleh.. right?
i don't know what i'm even trying to say anymore. at the forefront (sp?) of course is the fact that i don't have so much contempt for them. they are, afterall, part and parcel of me.. my womanly figure and whatnot. and now? and now i just wish i had been wiser or that i had learned to wise-up much sooner than i had.
but i digress... illness, in whatever form, is distressing and disruptive. and i find that i have never wanted to blend into the woodwork more than i do these past few days of illness relapse. don't let nobody tell you that robitussin works. because it doesn't! unless of course you're talking about having a robitussin nightcap.. hell! a robitussin bender!! achk, phooey.
in the air: clacking and coughing and the sound of my own gag reflex working overtime and the t.v. in the other room.
not to mention, of course, that illness (especially this kind) sucks, beats, expunges every ounce of the attractive out of a person.
7:02 p.m. - 2004-01-21
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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