so what kind of goodbye and goodnight was that?! *tap*tap*tap on the shoulder, *pat*pat*pat, "so [e], tomorrow good for you?" --barely a goodbye.. barely a smile in my direction before making a date with someone else? thanks. and to think.. i thought i might've been falling for you.
you already had the go ahead from her earlier. you have focus for everything work-related and sex-inspired.. but there is nothing in between. you already worked your networking skills and wormed your way into getting her to help you out of your work-wise dilemma. i know you wanted to finalize the deal and all but.. i mean.. who am i to you anyway?
you really hurt my feelings. you really do that a lot. more than i let on. and anyway i'm tired of telling you things like this. i hate being the nag. i hate myself enough as it is. i'm tired of feeling this way. i'm tired of you laughing at me and calling me "complicated" and laying the blame on me alone. you may have "your shit together" but you don't exactly have an abundance of the real stuff that gets you through years.. i'm tired of playing victim to your antics. i'm not a victim.. just not yet smart or brave enough to best you in the game of manipulation. i'm tired of feeling like i have to keep tabs of how good or bad we both are. i'm tired of competing with you for the right to be the most tired or the most hurt or the most likely to spoil things in general. because lets face it, if i were a guy we would have had ourselves a knife fight by now and you would've killed me. you would've killed me and be glad to be done with it..
we fight all the time. you think i'm ungrateful though you've never said so openly. i think i make about as little difference in your life as.. the security guards that failed to stop the theft of your former car. i make less difference to you and in your life as... the next person to come along.
when we're good.. its heaven and i feel lucky and proud beside you. when we're bad.. i blame myself and want to die. everything stops, for me. i'm an emotional wreck. a weakling. most of all, when its bad between us.. i'm ashamed i let you in. ashamed of-- everything.
~this is where i am. where are you?~
[j]
04:03 - Saturday, Apr. 24, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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