ok, i think my behavior has been more than just erratic. lately.. i don't know. i know i was catatonically sitting in my car trying to make myself go. it was a little less than an hour ago. i sat there, bundled and comfortable, ugly and strapped in. all i had to do was start the engine and go. but i just sat there. not crying, not moving. just sat there thinking, "i just did that. i just walked out of the room. walked out of the tension. i looked like defeat. what's going on." while at the same time looking for him to come after me. to stop me somehow. to make his way to me saying, "what can i do?" instead of growling through gritted teeth, "i don't understand.."
i mean, its a given that he doesn't understand. i know that he's not going to make the connections that only i can make because he's not in my brain. i know. but still and all, i persist with this idea. this couple that i keep trying to convince myself we really are. tonight i said to myself:
--what do you really want from him....... and then
--you're together because he wants a good time and you want something/someone...more? how cliche. i don't know.
what i do know is that it feels like i'm the asshole. it feels like i'm attempting to either break him or break us. i'm the negative number in this equation that is struggling to stay on its feet.
ok. now of course he may say something different. he may not be taking into account every other occasion in the past or the recent past. in fact i know he won't or wouldn't. he's very focused that way. in arguments or heated discussions he's never one to bring out the old, as if he were saving up just for this opportunity. and i'm the complete opposite. so i suppose in that sense we're miserably typical. i suppose i can deal with that.
PAUSE
let me try to sort this thing out.
tonight was friday, the day/evening before his birthday (this is something that makes everything i feel just that much more monstrous). we had a good time. he told me what he wanted and i interpreted his request that in one way or another placed us at Rei Do Gado with [juhr] and [jnn]. this is what he wanted. this is what we fought over one or two days go. they were a present to him from me. he just wanted to feel connected again. he wanted to take up the loose ends and feel the ties of family start to invigorate his heart in a way that non-relatives cannot do. he wanted small, intimate, nothing flashy. he wanted, i think, a certain level of decorum and class. so, i did that, what i could do. and it was a good night all around. thanks mostly to [juhr], who was kind enough to give me a break from driving and [jnn], who was kind enough to put up with my impatience, the small group felt right and good.
so everything was good.. that is, until they [the double trouble j-dees] went home. i don't really want to get into the trouble. i just want to crawl into the darkest, safest, hole in the world. i just want to disappear. but gah, that's over-doing it i think.
we argued about..something..and everything about our speech toward the other one was very calm and deliberate, very cold and true to form. he was still leaning on me the whole time, pissed as he was. we both fell into a short nap. when he woke up, i was putting my things away and gathering them together to leave. my excuse, "i don't feel good," which was true all day.
and.... i'm sorry i'll have to continue this tomorrow or in a few hours because my eyes are murder and i am so very wrecked.
~for now, this is the BBC saying, "have a cup'a tea?"to be continued~02:48 - Saturday, Jun. 05, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
lv2write00
squirrelx
cdghost
smoog
muppetathena
crystal42
thatdame
iwillsurvive
monstre
ouvrelesyeux
poolagirl
lintpickle
i-am-jack
anniewaits18
alicewonders
sunnflower
crateobscure