i think i've waited too long to make amends with [t]. what was i thinking? well.. i was thinking that i'd better cool it before it became out of control. i've had a day and a half to think and rethink about what to say. i've had time to dismantle my ego and examine the awful bits of charr that were left.
i couldn't talk it out with her.. or can't talk to her (you) about it because i'm insane or i'm flooded with too much. i made a big deal out of something that, by rights, should have been so small. i couldn't help it. there they were making it very clear how unnecessary i was/am.
i'm not fishing. i'm not asking for a talk to make me feel better. i guess its better to be forgotten. there are no permanents and there is no reason for me to delve any deeper. i'm ashamed of how i acted and ashamed that i can't go back and annoyed that its come to this for me.
i don't expect anything. i don't want to think about this anymore. i don't want to have to look at the gore and the blood and guts that follow me around.
the other day i fantasized about packing up and taking the first flight i could get out of town. i felt like i wanted to run away from this and toward--? someone who would know what i was talking about.. i felt like i was breaking up with--? i felt like disaster.
i want to disappear because by disappearing and turning away from the mess i've made of myself and of ..this.. i'll have a clarity that i've longed for.
alright, enough. there is a time to embrace the hurt and a time to turn from it. i want to forget that it hurt so much to be divided. i did this. no one else feels as off-kilter or as displaced. everything is as it should be. everything is fine because everything is over because everything has been gotten over because everyone is who they are.
and i know because i can change things.
13:27 - Friday, Jul. 09, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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