ok i'm over it.
i had the blues and i told myself that i would leave that last entry posted for an unusually long period of time. sort of as a proof of something that happened or didn't happen --or some hurt that i wanted to leave there, uncared for or exposed.
but i'm over it now.
tomorrow i have plans to skate upon the ice. the awful faux ice at the rink downtown. i am scared. why? oh because a) i'm not good in crowds, b) i've stayed away far too long from these, my darlings, c) I HAVE NEVER BEEN ICE SKATING! d) the prospect of some type of physical pain--be it mine or someone elses--makes my knees even more unstable than they are to begin with.
i'm scared.
also, i'm broke. yep, broke as a joke without a punchline to save me from those who would turn out the lights. being broke is terrible.. eh, but it could be worse and it isn't. so i'm going to tell myself not to dwell.
so there's this song in my head. i think its called something like, love changes everything and its a li'l old song off of an andrew lloyd weber musical called aspects of love. i checked it out of the library. there are some catchy songs on disc one. but all that stuff is beside the point, what i was going to say about the song being in my head was that i have found, lately, that it hasn't been so much love, alone, that has changed things. death, betrayal, illness, doubt... these have all changed some things around here --or maybe i mean around "here" [the reference in quotations is made to the here in here.]
and now i'm dumbstruck.
slightly distracted because i had to get up and wash and scrub my feet. its what i have to do to feel a little cleaner and a little better. the warm warm water sends me back, sinks me down into a stability and a calm that i won't find anywhere else. water is central. insert your own gulping gasping drinking.
00:17 - Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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