my dear dark blue,
i am sorry for what happened and what i, then, tried to do about it as a consequence. i speak of the old disappearing routine. i have had every intention of following through.
i am thoroughly disturbed or shaken or unable to make peace with--. i have ventured into the cellars and found that trying to go back the way i came only led me into walls. i've become entombed in this and we are altered.
but none of it is real, of course. what is real is that though love does not die, those who bear the strains and stains of that love do. dying is real. illness is real. lonliness is real. everything else is pretend. everything else is murky and drowsy in the head. everything else is false--even the vows i made to myself have gone and i am left with nothing. i must start again and i am terrified, broken-down and nearly incapable now, with all the years gone.
the young ones have said to me that waited too long for you. that i have been indecisive and therefore deserve the misery of seeing someone else come along. seeing someone else affect you. was i wrong in our friendship? i never felt wrong. not even when accused of having waited too long. i wasn't waiting for you, i never felt i was although it may have seemed like it--even to myself consciously. i had resigned myself too long ago that i was wrong to want more. i had long ago come accept the painful truth of what we were and what we should have gone on to be. and even after someone on the fringe spoke in the twirling colors of an ultimatum. i was unafraid, then. i was even unafraid when i finally gave you my confession. but things have changed. and i am blue over having altered our relationship--of having murdered the comfort, ease and innocence of our connection. i am sick both at the thought that i gave it so much significance in my life AND at destroying it finally. i was not ready then and i am not ready now to end our us. and i know that becoming invisible to you is not the answer but it was/is the best one that i could come up with. the thing that looked the least like a bursting fist wrapped in blood.
i am told that something new begins for us all in the coming year and i await it with pains and fear, but await it nonetheless.
i have had a flash of understanding, intermittently and it is a thing that builds on the one thought, "and you will get married..." as he has said. the flash reveals you and married to her because she reminds you so much of him when he is gone. our friendship falls away, hunks of agony breaking off into the vast and open waters--the sky. in my old age i will wonder to the windows, "whatever happened to that guy?"
my dear dark blue, i love you so.. and to the point of humiliation, despair, self-doubt. and because of this i must release myself from you and this. there is nothing left of us or we now. nothing remains but a blackened heartache, exhausted, poisoned, past.
03:35 - Thursday, Dec. 16, 2004
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