after work i drove in the general direction of home, hoping i would have some idea of what i wanted to eat before i actually hit home base. so i had an order of carne asada chips from that li'l mexican food place on 30th. drove home singing and ate when i arrived.
i could go on with that uneventful stuff but i won't. i haven't any time to do that now.
at about nine:thirty pm i decided that i had to have mcdonalds ice cream. i dont know what possessed me really but toni will probably say its because i was responding emotionally to something. probably in my case, the lack of something.
so i packed my things (because i was also entertaining the idea of going to have a sit down at ye olde starbucks or some place) and tromped out into the wetness in half pajamas and not-smart-for-the-rain shoes.
once i'd obtained the much-needed ice cream from mcdonalds i made my way north because there's nothing much to the south bay. i decided my goal this evening was going to be seaport village. "yea," i thought enthusiastically between licks (because you can't think and have mcdonalds simultaneously, its the law), "i haven't been to that place in eons."
so its now a bit past nine. closer to ten but the embarcadero (which is the part of seaport village that is open when everything else is closed) closes up and/or kicks people out at ten:thirty. so i had time. i was a little nervous about parking because what if a rabid mongoose came after me? what if the older gent in the car on the other side of the lot had some secrets to unfold in the dark?! what if all of my suspicions were correct?! "ah well," i thought, "i'll stick it out a bit." i didn't really have any reason to stick around but it just didn't feel like it was time to go just yet.
so, of course, i really am super emotional or else why would i be listening intently to the classical station and looking out at the horizon? why else would my chest feel like the wavey globules of squish inside your standard water bed? why?!
at about ten:fifteen or so i decide its time to head home and make use of my time and life, even though it IS so late. then as i'm driving away from my parking spot i notice the outline of something in the dark in-between, on top of the water. its a ship! its a ship! it could be his ship!! so i turn right back around and repark and make a phone call to him. i leave a message saying that i had hopes that it was his ship i was seeing in the stealthy covered night.
i watch the ship a little while and then i leave. but i don't want to go home yet and something tells me its still ok so i tell myself to "follow that ship!" for the fun of it. so i do. i make it a goal that i should beat the ship with my fancy driving skills. i make my way to harbor island for the view. i'm racing along nicely, in the wet air, and its really a lovely feeling i have at my fingertips. so i go with the lovely feeling because lovely feelings don't usually happen when you don't plan for them or concentrate much on them.
so i find the right spot, for me, at the island and sit and there she is, the ship--whose number i cannot see because this is the night that i forget to bring the new pair of binoculars dom gave me for my christmas present. i swear i'm putting those binocs in my glove compartment.. i missed a ton of perfectly good windows tonight, mostly penthouse type suites, too! ((i'm a voyeur, if you didn't know it))
so i sit and i watch and i talk to myself over the doo-wop that is now playing on the radio. i have quite a nice time actually. imagining what it must be like to have to steer an object like that. it was quite windy so i didn't even bother jumping out for a quick and frenzied waving-at-the-ship session. but i did seriously consider it.
again, i wait for some unseen inner timer to ding so that i can start my trip back to the house in the south. fast forward through the uneventful slick freeway and bad driving and at the exit i decide that i need a notebook for class tomorrow. i make my way to the walgreens with notebooks on the brain. i end up leaving the store with a box of cereal (honey nut cheerios), two cans of campbells chicken soup, and a writing tablet (because it was way cheaper than an actual made-for-school writing pad--but whats the diff. a page is a page is a page. at least it is just for writing little notes on).
not what i expected. not at all.
and all of this within a couple of hours in the night. it felt like all day though, it really really did. it felt good to follow myself out there. though i still don't know where i'm headed with rue.. i like the surprises. i like that he makes an effort for me and that he's better than he was before the incident which we do not speak of that nearly caused things to end. he really does want me in his life and thinks something of me. i can hardly believe it. its ridiculous. i let myself get all worked up and stupid and overly sensitive and although sometimes i'm right to do it, most of the time i'm just really emotionally unstable and flexing that instability. or i don't know. i mean, everything DOES have to mean something, at least to me. and this is something he doesn't get. and its been a year, a year today. what's not to get already?!
oh, the rain and choppy waters...it goes by when it goes by and maybe i will go sailing once more.
01:35 - Tuesday, Jan. 11, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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