"Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth."
(Greatest spiritual movie quote ever...~"Jacob's Ladder")
i've cut and pasted this quote here because i like it. because i'm still reeling from being the recipient of rue's under-the-weather raging madness.
the situation was that i picked him up.. i didn't even know where we were going (and usually i enjoy staying in more than going out anyway). it was stupid, the catalyst for the angry yelling. i had the radio on quite loud and was not looking in his direction when he came up to the car. i heard a knock on the glass and then the car door and i turned. he entered the car and made a sour face (he always makes this annoying face. i've never seen a face produce the same effects as verbal whining until now).
in an instant, maybe even less, we were at each others throats. i asked him why he had to knock on the glass and make the face he made (the i'm irritated with everything about you face). he was angry because i was making "accusations" of actions he didn't do. then he just kept screaming at me. a lot of "what the fuck" and that sort.
i asked him to please not bring his attitude (usually born of his stresses and other things he is unable to let go of) to me because i was genuinely looking forward to seeing him--just being with him in general. his response was more screaming and questioning me as to what my problem was.
we were mean to one another.
and so i started to apologize and i guess he just wasn't convinced. this always happens. he doesn't think i'm sincere enough.. i suppose we're even because i don't think he really cares about me enough. i mean, he just has no idea what this kind of behavior makes me think.. what it makes me want to do.
how it ended, the evening i mean (because it isn't yet clear whether we're really through although i have a feeling he'll try to call me tomorrow after he clears his conscience at church), how it ended was that he said, after i tried to apologize, "if this is how its going to be then drop me off (at home) then!" and so i turned right around and did that.
i let him out, not ten minutes after i'd picked him up, at the very same spot. and though there was a second that he looked at me, perhaps for some words.. i turned away and never stopped him from walking through the door. i drove away in agony, or in grief. i made some calls, reaching out so i could see the right parts of the road again. my vision was quite impaired but i pushed forward, for home. all the while, i thought, "i can't go to him for safety. aren't you supposed to be able to go to the person you love for safety?" and that is how i know we can never truly be long term.
had a talk with rb about it and he seems to think that i did a good thing by laying down some (long over due) rules. or maybe just re-affirming them, the ones he'd forgotten.
really, all i wanted was for him to talk to me.. to really say, "look i'm feeling very sick and i don't know what you're talking about but i am happy to see you".. i just wanted him to give up the fight, for once. just say, "look, i don't know what we're doing, fightin like this over something stupid. can we just drop it? it isn't really that big of a deal."
why can't he just let go of things? why must he hang onto them until its a messy, horrible wreck? why does he let himself hold on to so much annoyance, stress, anger, ego...?
more thoughts and analysis on the matter when i am feeling more awake and less like the rough husk?
more.. but later, in burst, part the second.
00:53 - Sunday, Jan. 16, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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